Saying goodbye...

...is so hard...and saying goodbye to this blog/journal is no exception to that rule...but it is time. Even still, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I write this...

I returned to work last week on Wednesday. What a wonderful feeling that was. I was welcomed back with arms wide open and as if I were needed. That felt really nice. Yesterday I went to see Dr. Ting again. I am 'a thing of beauty' according to him - and I agree! I have an appointment on November 19 with him for a revision of Rose (to even up her size so she matches Lola) and nipple construction.

I feel as though I am stepping into the sunlight of my life again...and that feels wonderful. It's the same life that I left 14 months ago to deal with this beast but I am coming back to it a slightly revised person. I have learned so much about myself this last year. I learned that I have a depth of courage that I never knew I had. Fortunately, I never had the occasions to use it before - I hope I never have to use it again - but I sure am glad that it as there! I have learned to let go of so much ridiculous stuff and a few toxic relationships along the way - good advice for anyone. I have learned to love deeply and to let people know that I love them deeply...you never know when you won't get that chance again. We are all here for a limited number of days - I don't want to waste a single moment.

So, I'm officially signing the pink ribbon blog off. Keep an eye on our regular blog (link over on the right) as you may find a random update there related to the reconstruction as is needed. I pray that I never have to post to this blog again. I am leaving it up and running so the tickers at the top will keep counting and anyone who happens upon it may find strength and companionship along their own journey.

Thank you for sticking with me....I love you all.

major milestone - herceptin....CHECK

Today I received my 52nd dose (and my last dose) of herceptin...how cool is that?! Another goal met - on time! I see Dr. Patel in a month for a follow up to this last treatment - then I go to every three month visits/checkups, probably for a year. Then we move on to every six months and finally, once a year. The most recent blood tests and physical indicate a healthy woman - who is now in menopause, thanks to chemo. It's better that I am in true menopause as the tamoxifen works better that way.

I am very proud of myself tonight! I endured a lot of needles these last 14 months and I am certainly glad to be done with that part! As much as I love Carol and everyone in the office, it's definitely time to move this train forward!

Woohoo!!!!!! No more infusions!!!!!!!

Baskets of Hope Luncheon

I was a guest speaker at a Longaberger fundraiser for the American Cancer Society today. Longaberger has a program called Horizons of Hope through which they donate a ton of money to the ACS. The independent Longaberger consultants in this area put on a luncheon today complete with penny social and raffles to raise money - it was a resounding success.

They had asked me to speak as a survivor and I jumped at the chance because every time I tell my story I heal a little bit more. Plus, it's a great opportunity to raise awareness which is also very important. The talk went well, I cried less this time than I did at the relay talk. There were other survivor/speakers there as well. I never cease to marvel at the courage of these warrior-women!

Here is a link to the speech that I gave today.

www.briandering.com/Baskets-of-hope-speech.pdf

All-in-all, a great day!

October - Breast Cancer Awareness Month

A year ago I would have said something flip like..."as if I needed an ENTIRE MONTH to be aware of breast cancer..." but a year has passed and I have a much more gentle opinion of October...

Pink October really does serve a purpose. When you consider the facts:

• 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in her life
• Every hour of every day 20 women hear "You have breast cancer"
• Every hour of every day 5 women die from breast cancer

then I accept the fact that awareness and education is crucial to early detection - the only viable hope that we have. If it takes an entire month decked out in pink to bring awareness to the forefront, then so be it. A fair warning to businesses and product manufacturers - just don't abuse the pink ribbon and use it to trick consumers into making purchases that (in reality) are not going to result in a donation to ANY worthy cause...that just pisses us off...

So, please, participate in Pink October: wear a ribbon, make a donation, join a research study...better yet, get a mammogram and do a breast self exam. While not perfect, mammograms are the best screening tool we have, especially in combination with BSE. If we can't prevent breast cancer (yet) at least we can detect it earlier and treat it sooner. The reality is that more women are surviving than ever before.

Fifteen years ago, my diagnosis would have been a death sentence...and I'm still here. My mother-in-law was not fortunate enough to get an early diagnosis and she died from stage 4 breast cancer just 3 months after she heard, "you have breast cancer." Brian and I miss her every day. I wonder if she is proud of her warrior daughter-in-law and her courageous son. I like to imagine that she is.

Help me to stop this from happening to future generations of mothers and daughters, sisters and girlfriends....join in the fight - think pink...

checking in

I figured I had better pop in and let you know that I am OK. I went to church with Mom on Sunday, talked to my dear friend Kathy, read all of your supportive comments, and took several naps between Saturday and Sunday - all of which helped mend my sadness.

I got the go ahead today from University of Phoenix to drop the class that I am currently struggling with. I'll pick it up again November 4. That should give me enough time to take my return to work one day at a time and be able to focus on class when it starts again. The knowledge that I can come home from work for a few weeks and take a nap without jeopardizing my grade in a class is liberating. Even if I never actually take a nap, I know that I can...gotta have a plan :) It also gives me the ability to take our Aruba vacation without a laptop and papers to write.

We never made it to the garlic festival this weekend - too much rain. But we did get out for a bit and treated ourselves to a new set of stainless steel cookware -something that we have been wanting for a while. We also did a little sprucing up of our bedroom with some new curtains. It's great to work together on these projects - Brian is so good to me and we make a terrific team - not just this weekend but through this whole thing. He really is the love of my life...

We also watched The Bucket List last night. While you may not think that a movie about 2 guys with terminal cancer would be the best thing for me...it really was. I'm looking for the DVD to add to our collection - definitely a movie that I will watch over and over again. For those who have seen the movie: two questions - do you have joy in your life? and do you bring joy to the lives of others? I think I can answer yes to both...

sad....

That's about all I can muster for a title....just sad. I have sad days occasionally and this is one of them. Looking back, I have not officially reported a sad blog day since December 2007 - so I guess I am entitled. "I'm entitled", which loosely translated means that you have to put up with a drippy post - sorry....
I'm sad and mad - a wicked combination. I'm mad that this THING happened to me and stripped me of so many things, not the least of which is my confidence. I'm mad that, as much as I want to remain in school, I have decided to take break for a month or so to get my strength back - boy, does that piss me off....I mad that I am so tired that I can't think straight. I'm mad that I suddenly have 'limitations' when the former version of myself knew no limits. I struggle with being so happy to be alive one moment vs. understanding how people in this situation can just give up (no, I'm not giving up - just rambling).

I need to get back to work, to feel productive again. Oh, I've been at work all through this I know, but the expectations for me were low and did not extend much past, "Yippie, you are awake and coherent today! Way to go!" I need to get back to some real work -I need to dig in a make a difference.

I need strength: I've been so tired for so long and faking it to my friends and family - it has finally caught up to me. The kind of tired I am does not require bed rest (Lord knows I have had enough of that lately) but rather a renewal of my spirit.

I need a day without cancer hanging over my head...well that's not gonna happen so I have to dream up something else. How about a day of temporary amnesia? That would do just fine...just one day when I could feel like the bbc (before breast cancer) me. That's what I am hoping for as I return to work....a return to the former bbc me. Maybe I need my head examined...who knows. All I can tell you right now is that today, I am quite sad....

new blog

As promised the new blog is up and running. Click on this link to get from here to there!

http://doodlesbydering.blogspot.com/