The Journey of the Pink Ribbon

Saying goodbye...

2008-10-11T20:20:00.004-04:00

...is so hard...and saying goodbye to this blog/journal is no exception to that rule...but it is time. Even still, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes as I write this...

I returned to work last week on Wednesday. What a wonderful feeling that was. I was welcomed back with arms wide open and as if I were needed. That felt really nice. Yesterday I went to see Dr. Ting again. I am 'a thing of beauty' according to him - and I agree! I have an appointment on November 19 with him for a revision of Rose (to even up her size so she matches Lola) and nipple construction.

I feel as though I am stepping into the sunlight of my life again...and that feels wonderful. It's the same life that I left 14 months ago to deal with this beast but I am coming back to it a slightly revised person. I have learned so much about myself this last year. I learned that I have a depth of courage that I never knew I had. Fortunately, I never had the occasions to use it before - I hope I never have to use it again - but I sure am glad that it as there! I have learned to let go of so much ridiculous stuff and a few toxic relationships along the way - good advice for anyone. I have learned to love deeply and to let people know that I love them deeply...you never know when you won't get that chance again. We are all here for a limited number of days - I don't want to waste a single moment.

So, I'm officially signing the pink ribbon blog off. Keep an eye on our regular blog (link over on the right) as you may find a random update there related to the reconstruction as is needed. I pray that I never have to post to this blog again. I am leaving it up and running so the tickers at the top will keep counting and anyone who happens upon it may find strength and companionship along their own journey.

Thank you for sticking with me....I love you all.

major milestone - herceptin....CHECK

2008-10-06T19:29:00.002-04:00

Today I received my 52nd dose (and my last dose) of herceptin...how cool is that?! Another goal met - on time! I see Dr. Patel in a month for a follow up to this last treatment - then I go to every three month visits/checkups, probably for a year. Then we move on to every six months and finally, once a year. The most recent blood tests and physical indicate a healthy woman - who is now in menopause, thanks to chemo. It's better that I am in true menopause as the tamoxifen works better that way.

I am very proud of myself tonight! I endured a lot of needles these last 14 months and I am certainly glad to be done with that part! As much as I love Carol and everyone in the office, it's definitely time to move this train forward!

Woohoo!!!!!! No more infusions!!!!!!!

Baskets of Hope Luncheon

2008-10-04T21:09:00.003-04:00

I was a guest speaker at a Longaberger fundraiser for the American Cancer Society today. Longaberger has a program called Horizons of Hope through which they donate a ton of money to the ACS. The independent Longaberger consultants in this area put on a luncheon today complete with penny social and raffles to raise money - it was a resounding success.

They had asked me to speak as a survivor and I jumped at the chance because every time I tell my story I heal a little bit more. Plus, it's a great opportunity to raise awareness which is also very important. The talk went well, I cried less this time than I did at the relay talk. There were other survivor/speakers there as well. I never cease to marvel at the courage of these warrior-women!

Here is a link to the speech that I gave today.

www.briandering.com/Baskets-of-hope-speech.pdf

All-in-all, a great day!

October - Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2008-10-01T20:07:00.005-04:00

A year ago I would have said something flip like..."as if I needed an ENTIRE MONTH to be aware of breast cancer..." but a year has passed and I have a much more gentle opinion of October...

Pink October really does serve a purpose. When you consider the facts:

1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in her life
Every hour of every day 20 women hear "You have breast cancer"
Every hour of every day 5 women die from breast cancer

then I accept the fact that awareness and education is crucial to early detection - the only viable hope that we have. If it takes an entire month decked out in pink to bring awareness to the forefront, then so be it. A fair warning to businesses and product manufacturers - just don't abuse the pink ribbon and use it to trick consumers into making purchases that (in reality) are not going to result in a donation to ANY worthy cause...that just pisses us off...

So, please, participate in Pink October: wear a ribbon, make a donation, join a research study...better yet, get a mammogram and do a breast self exam. While not perfect, mammograms are the best screening tool we have, especially in combination with BSE. If we can't prevent breast cancer (yet) at least we can detect it earlier and treat it sooner. The reality is that more women are surviving than ever before.

Fifteen years ago, my diagnosis would have been a death sentence...and I'm still here. My mother-in-law was not fortunate enough to get an early diagnosis and she died from stage 4 breast cancer just 3 months after she heard, "you have breast cancer." Brian and I miss her every day. I wonder if she is proud of her warrior daughter-in-law and her courageous son. I like to imagine that she is.

Help me to stop this from happening to future generations of mothers and daughters, sisters and girlfriends....join in the fight - think pink...

checking in

2008-09-29T20:07:00.002-04:00

I figured I had better pop in and let you know that I am OK. I went to church with Mom on Sunday, talked to my dear friend Kathy, read all of your supportive comments, and took several naps between Saturday and Sunday - all of which helped mend my sadness.

I got the go ahead today from University of Phoenix to drop the class that I am currently struggling with. I'll pick it up again November 4. That should give me enough time to take my return to work one day at a time and be able to focus on class when it starts again. The knowledge that I can come home from work for a few weeks and take a nap without jeopardizing my grade in a class is liberating. Even if I never actually take a nap, I know that I can...gotta have a plan :) It also gives me the ability to take our Aruba vacation without a laptop and papers to write.

We never made it to the garlic festival this weekend - too much rain. But we did get out for a bit and treated ourselves to a new set of stainless steel cookware -something that we have been wanting for a while. We also did a little sprucing up of our bedroom with some new curtains. It's great to work together on these projects - Brian is so good to me and we make a terrific team - not just this weekend but through this whole thing. He really is the love of my life...

We also watched The Bucket List last night. While you may not think that a movie about 2 guys with terminal cancer would be the best thing for me...it really was. I'm looking for the DVD to add to our collection - definitely a movie that I will watch over and over again. For those who have seen the movie: two questions - do you have joy in your life? and do you bring joy to the lives of others? I think I can answer yes to both...

sad....

2008-09-27T21:22:00.003-04:00

That's about all I can muster for a title....just sad. I have sad days occasionally and this is one of them. Looking back, I have not officially reported a sad blog day since December 2007 - so I guess I am entitled. "I'm entitled", which loosely translated means that you have to put up with a drippy post - sorry....
I'm sad and mad - a wicked combination. I'm mad that this THING happened to me and stripped me of so many things, not the least of which is my confidence. I'm mad that, as much as I want to remain in school, I have decided to take break for a month or so to get my strength back - boy, does that piss me off....I mad that I am so tired that I can't think straight. I'm mad that I suddenly have 'limitations' when the former version of myself knew no limits. I struggle with being so happy to be alive one moment vs. understanding how people in this situation can just give up (no, I'm not giving up - just rambling).

I need to get back to work, to feel productive again. Oh, I've been at work all through this I know, but the expectations for me were low and did not extend much past, "Yippie, you are awake and coherent today! Way to go!" I need to get back to some real work -I need to dig in a make a difference.

I need strength: I've been so tired for so long and faking it to my friends and family - it has finally caught up to me. The kind of tired I am does not require bed rest (Lord knows I have had enough of that lately) but rather a renewal of my spirit.

I need a day without cancer hanging over my head...well that's not gonna happen so I have to dream up something else. How about a day of temporary amnesia? That would do just fine...just one day when I could feel like the bbc (before breast cancer) me. That's what I am hoping for as I return to work....a return to the former bbc me. Maybe I need my head examined...who knows. All I can tell you right now is that today, I am quite sad....

new blog

2008-09-25T07:53:00.001-04:00

As promised the new blog is up and running. Click on this link to get from here to there!

http://doodlesbydering.blogspot.com/

Takin' Lola and Rose out for a spin....

2008-09-24T14:26:00.002-04:00

Looking good, yes? We went to see the good doctor today and he took out my last drain...and gave me the green light to go back to work October 1. He wants to see me one more time right before we go to Aruba so be sure that I can go swimming. He's sure I can fly, just not that I can swim at this point. Swimming is minor, so long as I can dunk I'll be happy! I'm sure 2 1/2 weeks more of healing will find me fit to swim....(keep you fingers crossed!)

yes, I rattle when I walk...

2008-09-19T07:21:00.002-04:00

Who wouldn't with this mixture of pills in their belly (and these are just from the AM box). Fortunately these are mostly vitamins - an effort towards a healthier me - but some are serious medications:

Vitamins C, D (with Calcium), E, Folic Acid, fish oil, Iron, and a multi vitamin

Altace (blood pressure)

Tamoxifen (to ward off the evil recurring cancer)

Keflex (to prevent post operative infections)

Baby Asprin (some more post operative prevention stuff)

Pain killers (I was taking Percoset but I have been able to switch to tylenol as of yesterday)

oh yes....and a stool softner to combat the side effects of all of this mess of pills.

I actually have pill boxes...AM and PM.....I feel like my mother! lol!

I am feeling better, last night I was able to sleep on my non-drain side for a few hours. Although moving out of that position was painful to the right drain side, it did give my back a break. Lola is still quite swollen and hard (getting softer, but still) and she prevents me from rolling around too much. In fact if I try to roll to my left side in my sleep, she pushes me right back onto my back. Dr. Ting says that a stern massage to the swollen tissue and a heating pad will hasten the softening process, so I guess I better put that into my routine. Rose is much softer.

My daily routine, you ask? I get up at about 7am and log on and work for a few hours; nap at 10, lunch at 12, nap at 1, dinner at 6, nap at 7, bed at 11; repeat as necessary. I am so stinkin' tired! Brian is wonderfully attentive. I'm so glad he works from home - it has helped so much with getting to appointments and changing bandages.

Having the abdominal binder on 24/7 works as good as lap band surgery - there is little room for food so I eat several small meals during the day. I have lost 10 lbs since surgery (not including the 20 lbs of water that I brought home with me an rapidly lost once I began to drain) and I feel pretty good about that. My belly is flat as a result of the surgery and the 'tummy tuck' effect - overall I am very happy with the results so far. It all looks better with each passing day.

I see Dr. Ting again on 9/24 - during which I hope to have the 'when can I go back to work?' discussion. I'm hoping for 9/29...or perhaps 10/1. The insurance is going to go to COBRA soon and I want to get back to work before incurring that additional expense. Cancer ain't cheap! Even with excellent insurance this year has cost us a fortune in unanticipated co-pays.

Stay tuned - this blog ain't over yet!

one drain down, one to go

2008-09-17T18:44:00.002-04:00

Dr. Ting removed one drain today at my follow up visit. I see him again next Wednesday. I'm quite anemic but a repeat cbc done today indicated that I was moving in the right direction - so no transfusion is necessary. Brian and I are both exhausted. I'm sleeping upstairs at night and just using the aerobed for day time naps. Sleeping on my back is still challenging for me - I wake up most mornings in pain but I do feel myself scootching around during the night, so hopefully some time on my side is not too far away.

Aruba in less than 1 month....I feel the sand already...

I'm good!

2008-09-14T19:57:00.004-04:00

I had a good night sleep last night and just lazed about all day with my blankie and my constant companions. Here's proof that I did as I was told and spent most of the day resting :

I see the oncologist tomorrow for my next-to-last-dose of herceptin and then back to resting. I have to call Dr. Ting for a follow up appointment - I would imagine on Friday. I'm just draining and behaving myself :)

back to the OR I go...

2008-09-13T22:28:00.002-04:00

I went to see Dr. Ting on Friday (a follow up to drainey days and Mondays). He was not happy with the fact that the drainage, while not getting worse, had not gotten any better in 4 days. He convinced me to let him take me back to the operating room so he could open up the abdominal incision, clean it out and reinstall some drains - I knew they came out too soon! I spent the night and was discharged today. I'm pooped - so off to bed I go. I'm ok and in spite of the return to the OR and general anesthesia again, I feel pretty good.

We leave for Aruba in a month...boy, am I going to need THIS vacation!

drainey days and Mondays....

2008-09-08T20:37:00.003-04:00

apparently don't thrill Ana either! I've been home for 6 days now and Brian and I have fallen into a comfortable rhythm. He helps me with my shower in the morning and I spend the rest of my day moving from my bed to my chair and walking the lower level of the house several times a day. We have been out of the house a few times together and it feels good to get my face in the sunshine.

The first night home I did sleep in our bed - but have since moved to a firm aerobed in the living room. It caused too much anxiety, trying to get up in the middle of the night with an aching abdomen and get down the stairs to the bathroom 'in time'. The aerobed is actually easier for me to get in and out of and I can do it without any help. Everything that I need is down here - except Brian :( but he visits frequently.

I thought, based on my experience with pain meds after the mastectomy, that I could switch to extra strength Tylenol pretty quickly....wrong! I tried to make the move Saturday and paid the price on Sunday. I was miserable, painful and quite weepy-emotional all day. I finally took the Percoset again on Sunday night and I feel oh-so-much better. I'm taking them less often and at a lower dosage based how I feel - I feel pretty darn good! I'll be off of them soon enough but it's true what they say - you can't heal if you hurt.

We went to see Dr. Ting today and he is very pleased with the way that Lola and Rose are taking shape (me too!). As I was getting undressed in the exam room, I sprung a leak! The abdominal incision began to drain - A LOT! I had the drains removed before I left the hospital and when they removed the drain on the left side, it really leaked - all over me, all over the bed - and then it stopped. Well today, it started again. Dr. Ting suggested that I try warm compresses to get some relief from the pressure and swelling, which I did as soon as we got home. After a few hours of laying flat with heat applied, I stood up and we had a gusher. It was pretty comical - it just wouldn't stop. Good thing I knew enough not to be scared! Brian had run out and get more gauze while I held a sterile sponge backed up with wad after wad of paper towel. It finally stopped and my abdomen feels much better without all of that fluid lurking under the surface. Apparently the heat encourages drainage! He changed my antibiotic to something a bit stronger and I'll see him again on Friday. Overall, I feel good - definitely on the mend!

TROM: part 4

2008-09-07T07:21:00.002-04:00

The next three days in a regular room were spent sleeping, resting and getting in and out of bed. The last day there I was able to walk the halls and I was thrilled! I gradually became unteathered from every wire and tube and just before I went home, two cutie-patootie residents removed my drains (they earned the rank of cutie-patootie only becasue they freed me!) Nights were tough as they were still doing flap checks every few hours and waking me up but I was able to sleep a bit better. I was released on Tuesday afternoon, 7 days after surgery; activity as tolerated and no heavy lifting. It was great to be home! I needed a nap!

TROM: part 3

2008-09-06T11:53:00.003-04:00

The step down unit is one large room with 4 beds (separated by curtains), two nurses and a nurses assistant. Although MUCH quieter that NS-ICU, it was still a busy place - but at least they turned the lights way down at night.

They let me rest until 6am and I slept...I slept the sleep of the dead....I'm just glad that they were able to wake me up again! Doppler checks are happening every 2-3 hours now and I was given one of those incentive spirometers to see how much air I could get into my lungs-----I could not get the indicator off of zero....concerning...yet my O2 sat was 96 and there was no sign of embolism...

The roaming band of residents came in to see me. As the 9 of them gathered around my bed, their eyes glued to what I presume was my case summary that each of them had a copy of, I found the scene to be quite funny. Before anyone else spoke, I cleared my throat and said, "So, I guess you are all wondering why I have called you here today???" - everyone laughed. I was pretty funny. They checked the flaps with the Doppler and every one had a look and a feel. When the head of the team noticed that I was having a terrible reaction to all of the tape, he made the decision to remove all dressings. I had developed a nasty blister under every inch of paper tape that met skin. I was dotted front and sides with big oozing blisters. All 9 residents began to undress my surgical wounds - it was a bit intimidating having 9 sets of hands all working me over at once - but they got the job done.

Next was "the bath" I was so excited to get bathed...until I realized how much it HURT. The nurse and the assistant were wonderful and I did feel much better once it was all done. During my bath they removed the urine catheter which meant that I would have to learn how to use a bed pan (yippie, skippie). I was apparently quite sensitive to the rubber in the catheter as well and I was sore and swollen (ugh!).

After the bath, one of the plastics residents came back with a compression bra for me. In theory, the compression bra keeps the post surgical swelling down and makes for a faster recovery. We got me into the bra and after she left I realized that it was further restricting my ability to breath.

I got up into a chair before lunch and actually ate my first meal in 3 days in an upright position. I got up close and personal with the commode (MUCH better than the bed pan) and was having an easier time breathing - I was able to get the indicator up to 100. 1200 was my goal so I had a long way to go. After a few hours of sitting in a chair, I asked to go back to bed - - - and I almost passed out while I was moving. I could not get enough air into my lungs, my heart rate was wild and I was panicked. Another chest x-ray, EKG and bloodwork - they called my doctor in from home. He was very kind and asked me what I though was going on. I told him that I felt as though I was trussed like a turkey from my hips to my armpits and and I did not have the strength to inflate my lungs. He agreed and suggested that we try to take the compression bra off - instantly I was able to take a moderate breath in and I could get the little indicator up to 500. While it would have been great to be able to leave the garment on, breathing was far more important!
The rest of the two days in step down consisted of moving from the bed to the commode to the chair and breathing...all plumbing was working as expected and my heart rate was beginning to return to normal. Once I was able to breathe well, my heart rate dropped from 130 to 100. I was moved from step down in the wee hours of Saturday morning. I think I was settled into my new digs by 1:30am - a step closer to going home!

TROM: part 2

2008-09-05T12:01:00.003-04:00

I was in ICU for 48 hours after the surgery, a normal situation after DIEP flap surgery. I had temperature probes placed on each 'flap' to watch for any sudden drop in temperature - which could indicate a flap failure. Someone checked the blood supply to my flaps every hour with a Doppler. Hearing that whoosh-whoosh never failed to bring a smile to me face.
While in ICU is was hooked up to a PCA pump with fentanyl. The idea behind the pump is that I could administer fast acting pain medication as I needed it with the push of a button. It's impossible to OD yourself as the machine will lock out after a certain amount of drug is administered per hour.
While I got excellent care in ICU - it was not restful at all. I was in a neuro surgical ICU so most of the other patients had brain function issues - and seizures - and yelling - and it was just very loud. All night long (both nights), I listened to a patient whimper like a puppy - - all-night-long. The woman in the bed next to me called out to the whimpering puppy all night long and I spent my time begging the woman next to me to hush. By the 40th hour I was in tears, I was so tired.
During my time in ICU, I experienced "the residents" - a group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd year residents lead by a full fledged doctor. They travel in a pack, all eager to get a look at me and my flaps and drains and take notes. Contrary to what you may have seen on TV, this roving pack of young docs were very attentive and even fun to talk with.
The biggest problem that I was having while in ICU was an inability to take a deep breath. I was literally panting between each word that came out of my mouth. My blood pressure was low, my oxygen saturation was perfect, my pulse was high (130-ish) and I could not for the life of me take a deep breath. I even managed to sit up the second day and that helped a bit, but I was still panting like a pup on a hot summer's day.
The decision was made to move me to a step down unit because of the rapid heart beat after lunch on day two. Moments before they moved me (literally) I told my nurse that I was experiencing pain in my chest - not 'chest pain', just a pain in my left upper chest area. Stop the presses! Blood work, chest x-ray, EKG - I'm not having a cardiac event! It seems that I was experiencing discomfort from where they had to break my rib (near the breast bone) to attach the flap's circulation to veins and arteries within my chest cavity. Finally, at about midnight I am transferred to the step down unit.

The reconstruction of me: part 1

2008-09-04T14:30:00.003-04:00

Our friend Laurie brought us down to NYC the night before the surgery. With a 6am arrival time to the hospital, it made sense to get there the night before so there were no worries about traffic. We all stayed at a Marriott Courtyard on 92nd, right next door to the ASPCA! We hopped in a cab and went to the Stage Deli for dinner; one of the city's famous casual dining places We feasted on all of the NY Kosher deli goodness that we could ingest.

I as expected, I was too excited to sleep. If I closed my eyes for a hour, it was a long time. We were up and out by 5am the next morning and made it to Mt. Sinai by 5:30. Registration went smoothly and I suddenly found myself in a small room being instructed to get undressed and get into the high fashion gown and booties provided. Brian was with me as I got dressed and while the nurse took my vitals and drew blood for a type and crossmatch. He sat with me until they called me to walk over to the pre-op waiting area. From there on out, I was solo...just me and my non-skid booties.

Once over in the pre-op area, I met with anesthesia and they explained how things would happen (and I cried a bit - just nerves...) and they told me that they would be giving me something to quiet me before they actually put me under. Next I met with Dr. Ting who drew all over me (made me giggle - IT TICKLED!) and promised me that the next time I was awake, I would have beautiful breasts (I cried again). Then we were off to the OR (and I cried one more time). He was so nice (Dr. Ting), he very gently put his arm around me and walked me into to OR where everyone greeted me quite enthusiastically -they all seemed so happy that I showed up! Dr. Ting proceeded to re-mark me once I was laying down (which elicited another round of giggles from me). The anesthesia team gave me my promised double martini prior to anesthesia and that was the last thing that I remember.

When I regained consciousness again I was in ICU, I heard Brian's voice and when I open my eyes I was looking right at him. They tell me that they woke me up in the OR after the surgery was over and that I was awake during extubation but I do not remember a thing until I heard his voice. I was aware, too, at that point was that my throat was sore and the oxygen mask was digging onto my eye. I remember the nurse saying that she was going to replace the mask with a nasal canula and feed me some ice chips. I have been told that I said to her, "You are my new best friend...."

hey, it's good to be back home, again.....

2008-09-02T19:54:00.003-04:00

They set me free this afternoon at 2pm! O-M-G it feels so good to be home. After 2 days in ICU, 2 days in a step down unit (more on that later) and 3 days in a regular room, I was ready to get home! Let me sum it up this way: I am sore, I had my doubts that I had done the right thing somewhere in day 2 or 3, I have no regrets now! I love the girls (Lola and Rose)! They are simply amazing!

I'll post a account of (what I can remember of) each day during the next couple of weeks. Tonight, I have got to get some sleep! The pain - mostly the abdomen - is very managable with percoset every 4 to 6 hours. I get to take a shower tomorrow!!!!!!!! I'm just too excited!!!!!!! Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I felt each and every one of them as they wrapped me tight and saw me through.
Love,
T

Surgery went well...

2008-08-26T23:18:00.003-04:00

Hi All, Brian here... :-)

Theresa went into reconstruction surgery at 8:01 am Tuesday August 26, 2008. She was in surgery just a little over 10 1/2 hours. She got out of surgery at 6:34pm. I saw her and spoke to her surgeon. He said that everything went as planned and she should be thrilled with the results. I saw her briefly in ICU and she was just getting her pain med pump attached. She will be in ICU for 48 hours (standard procedure with this type of surgery) and then be moved to a different room. The Dr. estimated 5 days total. :-)

The wedding of the year!

2008-08-24T12:53:00.003-04:00

OMG - we had such a wonderful time yesterday evening at Kerri and Dave's wedding! I am so sore today from dancing - I think I sat down for all of 10 minutes to eat something. It was a beautiful day! As soon as I edit the 582 pictures I took yesterday, I will get a few posted here. Until then, I'd like to introduce you to our niece, Mrs. David Crawford!

5 hundred 25 thousand 600 minutes....(Seasons of Love)

2008-08-20T21:20:00.005-04:00

525,600 minutes,

525,000 moments so dear.

525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?

Measure in love.

Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.

525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that (s)he cried.

In bridges (she crossed), or the way that (fred) died.

It's time now to sing out, tho the story never ends - let's celebrate...remember a year in the life of friends.

Remember the love!

Measure in love.

Seasons of love!

I took a small amount of poetic license with the lyrics - the original line was "the way that she died"...and we all know that it was fred who lost the battle, not me.
525,600 minutes, one year, is all that I am willing to give this disease...all that's left to do is a little reconstruction - the hardest part is over and all but a memory. I feel great, I look even better (if I must say so myself!).

On August 21, 2007 at 12:37pm (it rained that day, I was wearing black slacks and a lavender blouse...I remember calling my sister - she was at the pool and my brother-in-law handed her the phone. He knew by the tone of my voice that something was terribly wrong) I began a decent into hell. The decent STUNK but the ascent has been glorious and joyful - due in a big part to all of you. I never would have survived this year without my daily fix of support from all of my faithful blog readers.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to keep the pink ribbon blog active with new posts for a while - at least through the surgery - but then it has to come to an end. I'm going to put another blog together while I am home recovering. This time it will be about us, but not the us that had cancer, just us. It's time. I'll leave the journey of the pink ribbon up even after I stop posting to it so that perhaps it can help anyone who stumbles upon it, just as I have searched the blog world for others like me...it's scary how many of us are out there....I will also know when someone has left a message (I get an e-mail notification).

I re-read the blog from start to finish periodically. I am amazed at where this journey has taken me. I was literally stripped of all outward signs of femininity - breasts, hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, fingernails and toenails (how's that for a pretty picture? oh, wait - that's right I POSTED PICTURES - what WAS I thinking...lol). Through it all I never lost my sense of myself, but let me tell you it was crazy-hard to hang on to it. I misplaced my self confidence for a while, but that is getting better with each passing day.

The hardest thing to comprehend is that I will, now and forever, be known as having had cancer. Even as I mark my years of survivorship and await the day when someone with a medical degree tells me that I am cured (5 years??? 10 years????? - who knows...I consider myself to be cured today) I am impacted by the diagnosis. The challenge that I face now is figuring out where I go from here. Perhaps this was a wake up call for me to live a healthier life. Not that a healthy lifestyle prevents cancer but the numerous studies say otherwise. Maybe it a call to be all that I can be...maybe it's a way to help others...whatever it is, it's definitely a decision point in my life. It's not that there is a decision about something specific that I have to make today, but it certainly causes a lot of self reflection. I have even come to terms with the pink ribbon. At first I hid behind it, then it pissed me off, now I accept it. It's like wearing green on St. Patrick's Day - it's just is a symbol that represents part of my life's tapestry.

I am also very aware of the fact that there is inherent risk in spitting in the face of this disease...it may spit back. But I cannot and will not live my life in fear of the 'whatifs', however I do have a healthy respect for the possibility of recurrrance. To that end, I promise to be faithful about follow up visits and the testing that is recommended. I try not to think too much about the fact that it may come back...but I respect the fact that it might. If it does, we'll deal with it just as hard and fast as we did this time....for now I'm going to think positive and spit!

While having cancer is a life changing event it does not change the essence of who you are as a human being. If you were a bad nasty person before cancer, you are going to be a bad nasty person after cancer. There are no epiphanies...trust me. There is no silver lining or 'message from God' in this cloud..there is just the abyss and those wonderful friends/doctors/nurses/therapists/family/coworkers that pull you out and keep you going.

SO....before this turns into my dissertation project...let me say good riddance to the bad of these last 525,600 minutes and thank you, thank you, thank you for the goodness you gave. Keep checking here until I post something titled "The End" (or something equally as witty!) indicating that this blog is closed. Until then, we have wedding festivities to detail and surgery next week...so there should be some good posts left in me :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj7LRuusFqo click here to see/hear the song, enjoy!

me - boobs = deep thoughts

2008-08-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

When I was on the brink of my mastectomy surgery, I thought a lot about life without breasts and what it would be like. Now that I am on the verge of reconstruction I find myself returning to deep thoughts again - OK, perhaps not all that deep, but certainly worth a blog entry.....

I do not like life without breasts....for a number of reasons:

#1 Prosthetics stink...they are hot, heavy and totally annoying by the end of the day.

#2 Sleeping on my side is very uncomfortable. There is nothing to keep the top shoulder from rolling down into the bottom shoulder and that hurts. Hense, I have been sleeping with a stuffed animal clutched to my chest since February.

#3 My wardrobe is limited. I probably wear shirts and dresses that are lower in the neckline than I should, but I hate high-necked clothing. I find that I have to put my hand over my neckline when I bend over so as not to offend any on lookers.

#4 I hate "the gap". Sure it was a novel place to put my car keys, money, cell phone, a granola bar and a bottle of water (all at the same time). The horizontal gap between my fill-a-bra and my skin is losing it's allure.

#5 I can't forget. Most days I feel so great that I can easily forget all but the happy memories from this last year...then I take off my clothes and the scars are there in the mirror. Brian does not think of them as ugly, bless his heart. He looks at them as battle scars from a war that I won. I am not so forgiving...they remind me of a past that I long to put far, far behind me.

#6 I miss my cleavage. Shallow as that may sound, it was a part of me for a very long time and I miss it.

I got a green light for surgery in the form of medical clearance today - one step closer, one day closer. I have to be at the hospital 8/26 at 6am - I am the only case that day for Dr. Ting.

back from residency

2008-08-16T22:38:00.002-04:00

I returned late last night from Atlanta and my third (and last) residency for UoP. It was a GREAT 8 days; although I never saw any of Atlanta except for the hotel and a restaurant that was a half mile away from the hotel. I was basically inside and in class all week...5 credits in 8 days. As I begin year the final year of this program I am facing 4 more classes and my dissertation - - - - and that's it. Where did the time go?

It was an emotional week for me. I went to Atlanta very unsure of myself and my ability to finish my doctorate. The big "c" has a way of reducing your self confidence to a pile of debris - and that's exactly where I was when I arrived at residency last week. I have come home with a renewed sense of confidence in my abilty as a 'scholar' and a bucket full of determination to get 'er done!...zoom-zoom, watch me fly!

I met some wonderful people and made some new friends while I was there. It was nice to meet people face to face (waving frantically at Anna! - - - - - hi!!!!!). Today was a day for sleeping, unpacking and laundry. We are on the count down to Kerri and Dave's wedding next weekend - then on to surgery. I've got a busy week ahead - much to do - much to do, but I'll check in here from time to time.

Hot-lanta

2008-08-07T23:18:00.002-04:00

There is definately a reason why Atlanta has that nickname...trust me, I am here! I will be attending my year 3 residency for the next 8 days, thankfully in an air conditioned hotel, in Atlanta. So, it will be quite here on the blog. I'll catch you all up with my activities when I return home next week.

I love the smell of baby's skin...

2008-08-03T18:47:00.009-04:00

...especially when that baby is my great niece. Mom and I went to Bill's this weekend to meet Rory and see the Massachusetts branch of the Kilgore gang. We had a great weekend with everyone. Will is a pip! Full of energy and terribly smart. How he managed to talk everyone into reading him a bedtime story is a negotiating skill that business professionals must envy....but he got the job done and we all happily complied. My assigned selection was a little ditty called "Emily's Bunch":

The bunny ears were completely unrelated to the story line - just my own spin on a delivery that I believe succeeded in getting Will's undivided attention :)

DeeDee is loving and attentive auntie and is learning quickly how to hold an infant correctly. She's also learning that when you are done holding said infant and you discover that your shirt is wet...you got peed on - lol~

Nanny and her greats #7 and #8...

How sweet is this face????

Thanks Bill, Donna and DeeDee for having us! Thanks Ryan and Lauren for sharing Will and Rory with us (I hope you guys get some much-needed rest, soon!).

Short on patience and long on time...

2008-07-27T21:30:00.002-04:00

that's me! The wait for reconstruction seems never-ending at this point. August 26th can't come fast enough. I have my medical clearance appointment on August 18. After that, I just have to show up at the appointed time on the day of surgery...just that simple! I'm not nervous about the surgery, just impatient to get it done. I know that I am in good hands. I can't wait to wake up, look down, and see boobs (that don't come off at night!).
This weekend was fun; we went to a pool party at our friends George and Marsha's house on Saturday and today was just an "around the house" day. Earlier in the week Brian and I went out to dinner with my friend Kathy and her daughter Julie to celebrate Kathy's new boob. Kathy just had her expander exchanged for an implant. Kathy described the feeling as being 'released from a cocoon'. I can't wait to feel the very same way...

Super Chevy Show!

2008-07-23T20:54:00.006-04:00

This past weekend we went to the Super Chevy Show in PA with our friends. Joe Cherry (one of the aformentioned 'friends') built a 1958 El Camino (the El Camino was not made until 1959) from a 1958 4-door Chevy Nomad wagon and a 1958 2-door Chevy Biscayne....confused? I was too, until I saw it! The car is unique and one-of-one. It took 5 years for Joe and a team of auto restoration professionals to bring "El Nomado" to life. He won three awards this weekend: Editor's Top 10, Best in Class and Best el Camino. We are very proud of him!

It was hot on the show field, it was very-very hot! Brian had a touch of sun poisoning but now has an awesome tan! The girls went shopping and lounged by the pool - we (girls) did make it to the show on Sunday. A great time was had by all!

Here are a few shots, before and after the restoration:

July 17, 2008 - Happy Anniversary, babe!

2008-07-16T12:10:00.005-04:00

14 years ago we said , "I do!" Thank you for every year, but especially this one. You and I held hands last August and jumped into this together and I will never be able to thank you enough for being there for me. You made me laugh when I was too scared to breathe, you held me when I cried at the end of yet another long and exhausting day, you kissed my bald head and told me you loved me still....you are just the best. Trying times like this test the best of marriages and I have witnessed a few fall apart under the stress. I am so thankful that we were able to weather this storm together. I could not imagine that my recovery would have been as complete without your love, support and constant encouragement. It must have been very painful for you to watch me go through the same disease that took your Mom away. Even though I know that you were scared too, you never let it get in the way of taking care of me. You are the wind beneath my wings. IOU the rest of my days....and I'll gladly pay the debt :)

I love you,

Theresa

Pine Bush Triathalon

2008-07-14T00:12:00.004-04:00

I went up to Albany this weekend to witness my first triathalon and I think I got sucked in....I want to try it with some of my high school friends next year. It is ironically called the Pine Bush Triathalon, held in Gilderland (just outside of Albany) and my friend Chris (pictured here ready for her swim) assures me that it is doable (with a bit of training). So, I am off to find a bike and a decent pair of shoes...really, I have been meaning to get exercising...hey, I made it through BC - perhaps I can complete a 300 yard swim followed by a 12 mile bike ride and a 5K run (yes...all in one day, one after the other)! Anyone have a pool I could borrow????

Thanks to MJ for the invite and your hospitality. Dinner was excellent and I love your home. I'll keep in touch and I'll work on getting Judy to join us :) MTCBWY! (may the current be with you!)

Great American Weekend

2008-07-06T20:15:00.004-04:00

Saturday we went to the Great American Weekend in Goshen - what fun! Our friends Ken and Bonnie (aka The Skyriders) performed and I got some amazing shots of their high-flying trampoline act. We met our friends Joe and Laurie as well. It was a fun (albeit hot) way to spend an afternoon.

Today was a day of grocery shopping, laundry, school work - yuck...back to work tomorrow. Three day weekends go by too fast!

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-04T23:25:00.005-04:00

I just love fireworks - and every once-in-a-while, I get the perfect shot (or two!)

Enjoy!

Same strange cat,

2008-07-04T16:36:00.004-04:00

just a slightly bigger box. It was too painful, watching her cram herself into that little cardboard container. We bought cat beds....why???????????

Recipe for a great start...

2008-07-04T16:23:00.003-04:00

...to a three-day 4th of July weekend...neighbors and lobster! Chef Brian invited the neighbors over for a lobster dinner Thursday evening. This was one of two gy-gundo lobsters that he prepared for the feast. I love the look on Alex's face! We all ate well last night and I think Alex and Natalie went home full and happy. A great time was had by all!....well, by everyone except the lobsters ;)

flora and fauna

2008-06-28T09:49:00.006-04:00

So, I got a new camera last summer ("before BC", as that time in my life is and forever will be know as). I have enjoyed the camera so much and I take pictures with it regularly - much to the dismay of my now blind husband and cats :)

Flora and fauna seem to be my favorite subjects, right behind portrait-type shots. Here are a few of my recent 'creations':

Showers of Happiness

2008-06-23T21:41:00.005-04:00

Kerri's shower was lovely...she got lots of nice 'stuff'...

We ate lots of good food...

and cake...

and we dressed Kerri up real silly and took pictures to share on the internet!

'twas a perfect day! I am so happy for you, Kerri! You just GLOW with joy!

Kerri's Bridal Shower

2008-06-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

was today - and as you can see, a good time was had by all.....lol...more later!

the secret password is...."me, too"

2008-06-21T22:56:00.002-04:00

So, one day this past week I was helping out in the out patient drawing room. We had a room full of people and a sick call so Judy and I stepped in an drew a few patients - just like old times :)
A woman about 10 years older than I am came in when I called her name. As she was getting settled in my chair I noticed a pink ribbon pin on her blouse. It was unique because it had a charm hanging off of the end of the ribbon - a silver high heeled sling back shoe. I commented that I liked the pin, the thanked me. I asked her what the shoe meant and she said that she did not know, her sister had sent the pin to her.
We made small talk for a few seconds as I got my equipment together and I could sense that she was getting upset - I thought because I was about to stick a needle in her arm. I reassured her and she said in a very quiet, almost apologetic voice, "I have...I had...you know....breast cancer..." and looked at me as if she had just told me that she had Ebola and perhaps I should flee the immediate area. I replied to her, "Me too!", in my best happy voice. "No", she says, "you don't understand...I had the kind where they had to remove, you know...my left breast." I replied, " Me, too - er...except I had both breasts removed."
Now she is really confused and says, "No, mine was the kind where I had to have chemo and radiation." Me> - yup you guessed it, "Me, too!!!!!" Finally she says, " But how can that be?...you have HAIR!". I started to laugh and said, "Not 6 months ago, I didn't!" That got her laughing and we finished out our time together with her telling me some of the bad bald jokes that her husband tells her to make her laugh.
So apparently the secret password for the BC survivor club is "Me, too!" It's not a club that I ever wanted to be in or thought would happen to me but I'm in it none the less. I am very happy to be a member in fact, it's better than the alternative. At least the conversation made that woman laugh and maybe she won't be so apologetic the next time - just stand up tall and say, "Me too!"

PS - got Kerri and Dave's wedding invitation today, they are getting married August 23. I remember being at Chris and Ron's wedding a year ago August wondering if I was going to be alive for Kerri's wedding. Now I know that I did not need to be so scared of dying - but at the moment it was the only thought that I had. I am very much alive and happy and hey....I've got hair again!

"Me, too." chicks RULE :)

Bella-the-strange

2008-06-19T22:48:00.001-04:00

10 lb cat....2 lb box...she is just too strange for words sometimes...

tenacious

2008-06-18T18:04:00.002-04:00

Tenacious;- root word tenac from greek meaning strong/determined. Today I was called tenacious by my boss...right after I told him that I won the battle with the insurance company! They are paying the bill for my surgery to be done at Mt. Sinai. Happy-happy-joy-joy! Persistance pays...

What a relief! I said that 1 year of my life was all that I was willing to give this b*$%h of a disease. August 26th will be 1 year+5 days. I'd say that's close enough to be considered right on the nose! I actually skipped down the hallway today when I heard the news! You have no idea how important this reconstruction is to me - it's the last piece of the puzzle of the recreation of me...still the same person inside, just surgically enhanced (upgraded, if you will!) on the outside. I need a glass of wine....lol!

greats #7 and #8

2008-06-18T07:20:00.000-04:00

shamlessly lifted from Lauren's blog...too cute!

Introducing our great # 8 !!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-16T19:09:00.003-04:00

Please meet Lorelai Brandon Kennedy Kilgore (a.k.a Rory). Congratulations Lauren, Ryan and Will! (and Maple, too!)

busy, busy weekend

2008-06-16T18:17:00.004-04:00

Our friends (and faithful blog readers) Jane and Bill came down from MA to have dinner with us Saturday night. We "live" next door to Jane and Bill in Aruba one week out of every year. We had a great time with them at Nina's for dinner (sorry about your head babe, the waiter was apparently not a photographer!). See you in October, guys!

On Sunday our friends Keith and Rebecca came over for dinner. I grilled the steak and Brian was in charge of 'presentation' and salad - and he made dessert. Isn't it very 'Top Chef'-ish looking????

and just to round out the weekends festivities my nephew Ryan and his beautiful wife Lauren had a baby girl at 4am today. My 8th 'great'!

(oh yeah....and I wrote a paper....;)

time warp

2008-06-13T18:48:00.002-04:00

I look at the ticker at the top of this blog and I can't wrap my brain around the fact the 4 months ago I was in the hospital for surgery. Four months seems like such a short time, yet I feel as if I had cancer a lifetime ago, not just a few short months ago. I feel great and full of energy. I started teaching again. The summer session began at OCCC a few weeks ago and I am LOVIN' it. It feels good to be getting back to my life!

Newburgh Relay for Life

2008-06-08T14:44:00.006-04:00

Last night was my first Relay since jumping the fence to the 'purple shirt club'. I have been involved in the Relay for the last 10 years as a team member or a team co-captain, but never before as a purple shirted survivor. It was quite the emotional experience for me.
Somewhere in the back of my brain I ASSUMED that because I raised money for the American Cancer Society all of those years that somehow I would be exempt from the disease. Let's just say that God has a good sense of humor where my assumptions are concerned...

It was the hottest Relay in 11 years. The temp on the field was well into the 90's and the food tent saw temps in excess of 100! We all stayed well hydrated and I think I lost 10 lbs in sweat alone!

My dear pal Kathy and I walked the Survivor lap together - that was quite emotional.

Me and Kathy - I am pretending to have boobs...it was too hot to wear my big girl boobs (as I call my prosthetics) I had to surrender to common sense and take them off before I sweated to death!

All of the people clapping for us survivors was tough to handle. People call me a hero and I don't get it. To me a hero is someone who does something noble and difficult because it is the right thing to do - like a firefighter, soldier or police officer. I just did what I was told to do (more or less :) to stay alive. That's not heroic, that's survival. I think the caregivers are actually the heros...

Brian and Kathy's daughter Julie joined us as caregivers for the second lap. Then Mom joined us for third lap - then we all collapsed in a puddle of sweat (lovely).

The luminary ceremony of remembrance and hope was nice. It was hard to see my name on a bag...but hey, I'm alive so it's all good, right?

Here is the link to the album and the rest of the pictures.

ACS Relay for Life 2008

Am I bus, or am I a car?

2008-06-03T22:12:00.007-04:00

wow....it would take so long to explain the title of this post that I am not going to even try...Judy and Ludes will understand :)

Judy and Lisa and I went to the Jersey shore this past weekend. We stayed at a little B&B in Ocean Grove called the Manchester Inn.

In spite of the rain on Saturday, we had a great time and managed a day at the beach on Sunday. It says a lot about friendship when three women who know everything that there is to know about one another can get together for a weekend and STILL find things to talk about.

One of the daydreams that got me through those dark 'abyss' days of chemo was me at the ocean again, standing on the sand and watching the waves crash on the shore. I got to live my daydream this weekend in the company of great girlfriends. I am so blessed and very thankful to have seen the ocean again.

We have a date!

2008-06-02T14:01:00.003-04:00

Brian and I went to NYC to Mt Sinai to meet with Dr. Jess Ting (the other plastic surgeon that I originally wanted to go see) this morning - what a difference! This doc has done "hundreds" of bilateral DIEP flaps (as opposed to 2 singles). He looked at what I had to offer as far as donor tissue and is confident that he can put me back together again, to the size that I want to be. He took planning pictures and then showed us before and after pictures of other women that are my body build/type/size - simply beautiful results. We talked a bit about the process (about 4 months from the first surgery to the final tattoo, as opposed to the 12 months estimated in Albany), the length of the surgery (8-9 hours as opposed to 20 hours!) and we picked a date - August 26th!...Daddy's birthday...how fitting...he'll take good care of me...

So my job between now and August 26 is to lose 10 lbs and to convince the insurance company to cover this doctor and hospital bill...Don't you worry - I'll get it done!

Faces of me...

2008-05-27T22:41:00.008-04:00

I got my hair done Tuesday - something I have done every few months for most of my adult life. This time was different, this time I cried the whole time. My wonderful hairdresser, Dorothy, must think I am crazy. The last time she saw me in August I was in tears because I was about to lose my hair. Tuesday she was subjected to my tears again but this time they were because I just got my hair back! It's blonde, it's beautiful and it's all mine.

All of the king's horses and all of the king's men that worked on Humpty Dumpty didn't know what they were doing! With a flick of her color brush a woman who probably goes about 99 lbs. soaking wet did what those tough guys could not do for poor old Humpty. Dorothy put me back together again. Take a look at the faces of me: starting with August 2007 in order, through Tueday. Get a hanky....I cry every time I look at it...(jeeze, why didn't someone tell me that I really DID look like auntie fester?????)

Memorable Memorial Day

2008-05-26T20:10:00.003-04:00

What a great weekend! It was full of family and yard work, two of my favorite things! Saturday we had dinner with both of my brothers which is always a treat. Bill was here from Massachusetts for the weekend and we met up at Jimmy's house in Monticello. For those who don't know the entire story of 'the family' - we Kilgores have had a rough go of it this last year and a half. Bill's son Brandon passed away a year ago January, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in August, Barbara was diagnosed with late onset lupus in the fall and Jimmy has found himself a little cardiac issue...it appears that he had a heart attack in the not two distant past and just had a stint put in to open up a 70% blockage. Having Barbara here would have made it a super-perfect day, but we still had fun - just me and my brothers :)

On Sunday, I raked and cleaned out flower beds while Brian power washed the house and the deck. Then we put out the gazebo and the patio furniture and had the neighbors over for a spur of the moment BBQ. Today I cleaned out another flower bed and we planted a few things and bought some beautiful bushes that will go into the ground this week in the back yard. Oh, and we also put in an arbor leading into the back yard. If anyone has any suggestions for an annual vine type of thing that I can plant in the ground to grow over the arbor, we are open to all suggestions. Pictures to follow, it's too dark out there to take any tonight!

When I was working on the flowed bed around the tree out front, I got a bit misty eyed. I remembered back to February when I was first home from the hospital after surgery. While I was in the hospital we had a bad snow/ice storm. Our neighbor helped Brian by running the plow over the driveway so he could get into the house that night. During the plowing the neighbor pushed some of the rocks that make up the stone wall around the tree flower bed out of place. When I got home I could see the rocks sticking out of the snow and I thought to myself, "Oh, no problem - I'll just get out there in the spring and rebuild the wall, if I am still alive in the spring." The thought stunned me....if I am still alive in the spring????? - where did THAT come from? I realized that even though I was not talking about it, my own mortality was right in my face every single day. Well, here it is...spring....and I'm still alive...imagine that? I'll be alive for many more springs to come - this one is special though...it's my first :)

let's talk about pink ribbons for a moment

2008-05-25T23:05:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking about the whole 'pink ribbon' thing for a while now and I find that I have some very strong feelings that I'd like to share. Lucky you, you get to listen to my rant!

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I grabbed the first pink ribbon that I could find and I held on for dear life. I felt as if I had joined a sisterhood and that ribbon was an outward sign of our solidarity. That pink ribbon linked me to a support system of family, friends and fellow survivors that I needed to get through each day. When my physical appearance began to change, I hid behind the pink ribbon. I was sure that I had a pink ribbon on anytime that I went out in public. If a stranger looked at me and wondered what was wrong with me because of the way that I looked (remember the Auntie Fester stage -ugh!), the pink ribbon told them loud and clear what the deal was. Once I started to look and feel better I began to let go of the pink ribbon a little more everyday, and I have to say - just like I found in the cruise - it was a little scary! It's like living life without a safety net.

I still appreciate the pink ribbon; it is a symbol of my journey and the journey of hundreds of thousands before me. I wear it in hopes that it will make other women wonder when they see it and make just one women remember that her mammogram or breast self exam is due. It's sort of like a walking 'don't let this happen to you!' testimony.

What I resent (here comes the 'rant' part) is the rampant commercial use of my precious symbol. I can't get through an isle at the grocery store without seeing a pink ribbon emblazoned on a loaf of bread, a bag of candy, or a cup of yogurt. Take a look at the labels on these products - many of them say that their company will donate a finite amount of money to a breast cancer focused organization, not a portion of the purchase price. The reality is that these companies will make a donation whether you buy the product or not. Many of these corporations are using the pink ribbon as a marketing ploy to get you to purchase their product and it's really beginning to annoy me. They prey on our emotional response to the pink ribbon and use that response to sell more product.

So, if you want to do something significant to defeat breast cancer, make a donation to American Cancer Society or the Koman Foundation or some other reputable organization. Eliminate the middle man marketer and know where your donated money is going to. If you want to wear a pink ribbon to show support and solidarity, by all means do so! We (formerly) bald chicks appreciate it!

As a survivor who is fully involved in getting on with my life, I will always wear a pink ribbon. I wear it to remind myself how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. I wear it to let others who have just gotten the dreaded news know that they are not alone in their fear nor will they be alone in their journey. I wear it because the experience has further shaped me into the person that I was meant to be. It's doesn't define me....I'm bigger and better than breast cancer :)
(stepping off of the soap box now!).

Albany

2008-05-20T20:51:00.004-04:00

So yesterday, Brian and I went to Albany Medical Center to speak to the plastic surgeon who the insurance company referred me to for DIEP flap reconstruction. One of the first questions I asked him (and his answer) pretty much told me what I needed to know:
Me: "So, how many of these have to done?"
Him: "Two....."
Me: "Two? Two as in one then another one for a total of 2!!!!?????"
Him: "Yes...two....and I have never done a bilateral DIEP..."
Me: "So, you did like one on one patient and then another on another patient, but never two on the same patient??"
Him: "yep....."
Then he proceeded to tell us that his guess is that it would take about 20 hours (2-0, twenty, as in 19 + 1 = 20) in the OR. Twenty hours???? Can you imagine how much valium we would have to give poor Brian to keep him calm for 20 hours while he waited?

Needless to say, Albany is no longer an option. In fact, he didn't seem to want to do the operation for me - so we are all on the same page with that thinking. I called the insurance company and, once we get the notes from this doctor, I'll be filing an appeal. In the mean time, I made an appointment with the doctor in NYC that was recommended by my local plastic surgeon and my friend who just had bilateral reconstruction in February. I'll be heading to Mt. Siani June 2 to speak to him.

Why is this so difficult? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

Weekend in review...

2008-05-19T00:08:00.006-04:00

(Theresa) wrote a paper, (we) installed the toilet and sink...OK, it was mostly Brian but I helped, (Theresa) did laundry, (Brian) installed the bathroom light...wow - exciting!

The bathroom is coming along (took this before he did the light) and we are both pleased with our handiwork. The installation of the toilet is a story in and of itself...we narrowly escaped divorce court and there was no blood shed, all-in-all, a successful project :)

The toilet and sink came wrapped in yards and yards of bubble wrap. Did you ever wonder how to get rid of a ton of bubble wrap? Very simple, put in a garbage bag and jump up and down on it. Fun, good exercise...and a great photo op!Monday we are off to Albany to "interview" to a plastic surgeon for reconstruction. I'll keep you posted!

PS - I have an appointment for 5/27 to get my hair cut and colored - YAY!!!!!!!

...one...DONE

2008-05-14T22:01:00.004-04:00

Yesterday marked another milestone for me - radiation is done! My last trip to the radiation oncology center was uneventful. I did bring them a fruit basket! I had a rough time the next to last day - actually I had a break down on the table the next to last day. I was tired, I was grumpy, my 'sunburn' was hurting and I fell apart.

As happy as I am to be done with regimented treatment, the thought overwhelms me. For the last eight months I have been giving every ounce of energy to treatment; driving here and there, infusions, scans, radiation, blood work, surgery, recovery and on and on. Suddenly....done...happy? - VERY...scared - YOU BET......If there is no intense treatment going on, who is watching the store to be sure that fred and derf don't come back?

I talked to the doctor about it today and was relieved to know that what I am feeling is normal. She said that it is unlikely that it will come back and that any monitoring with scans and such has to be closely considered. I have been hit with a tremendous amount of radiation and the school of thought is to not expose me to any more if it's not necessary. She said that I will be diligent with annual pap smears and exams, I will have a chest x-ray every year, blood work and such - but unless there is a problem, there will be no regularly scheduled scans. I understand the philosophy and I'm OK with it....or I'll be OK with it once it sits on my brain for a while...I trust her judgement.

So - on to the celebration....I was quite tired yesterday evening so a glass of my favorite wine was good enough.

Today I had herceptin (which will continue every three weeks until October) and then Brian and I went out to dinner at a favorite place - the Backyard Bistro - with two of our friends. Tomorrow I am calling my hair stylist and making an appointment for a cut and color! I start tamoxifen tomorrow too, every day for the next 5 years.

So....any suggestions as to what I should do with all of the extra time in my life? lol! WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Done, dooby doo, done, DONE!

say it with me....two....

2008-05-11T21:09:00.004-04:00

Is that a beautiful sight, or what? I am SO happy to be done and just in time, because my chest is SO sore. It's making it hard to sleep at night and I am back to taking Tylenol with codeine to knock myself out...

The bathroom is coming along - we are done with grout. Once it is sealed (in a few days) we'll be putting the toilet in:

I'm OK - tired, but good. I'll be checking in during the week ;)

I only cried once this week!!!!!

2008-05-03T20:18:00.006-04:00

That is somewhat of a record for me. In spite of the jocularity of my posts, this whole journey has been filled with a lot of tears; tears of fear, tears of sadness and loss, tears of joy, tears of frustration...you name it, I have cried them all.

This week's crying jag was brought on by the insurance company. They denied my request to see the plastic surgeon in New York city for the reconstruction. They claim that there are 'several' surgeons in network that do the DIEP flap procedure....I know otherwise. Not being one to give up easily and hell bent on having DIEP flap reconstruction, I have made an appointment with a surgeon in Albany who they tell me does this procedure. I'm going up there with a list of probing questions and I will come back with the facts. In the mean time I have shamelessly used whatever internal connections that I have within the health care industry and someone at the upper level of the insurance company is looking into the denial for me in hopes that we can get it reversed...hey, a boobless chick has to do what a boobless chick has to do.

The whole week left me feeling like this:

...ready to hang myself in the rungs of a sturdy chair!

Radiation is officially ow-eeee. I completed the last of 28 full treatments on Friday, the last 6 treatments will focus the radiation just on the scar. Yippy-skippy. I'll be done May 13th. The effects of the 28 treatments are in full bloom - I have an itchy red patch in the middle of my chest and a nasty red patch under my arm. Both of which are quite uncomfortable - even a t-shirt is annoying! Thankfully, these next 6 treatments will not hit those problem areas - hopefully this is the worst of it. It's not horrible, just annoying....and itchy....here is my glass, almost ready for champagne!

6 beads to go!

What else...what else....oh yes, the bathroom! Paint is on the walls, boarder is done. The rain this week kept us from going any further with the tile...can't use a saw to cut tile outside in the rain...zzzzzzttttt! The paint was not without it's trials and tribulations - I got the blue done, then the beige...then we decided that we did not like the color beige (clashed with the tiles), so we go another color beige and re-painted...at least it's a small room. Anyone need 3/4 gallon of sandy beige paint??????? Barely used???? lol!

Thanks for hanging out with me...I know this blog hasn't been too exciting lately, but frankly, when you have (had!) cancer, boring is a GOOD thing. See you all next weekend!

How was your week?

2008-04-26T21:38:00.005-04:00

...mine was exhausting! I can't tell if this is me or Bella sleeping on the kitchen floor!...radiation x5, herceptin on Wednesday, paper due, insanity at work...all led up to a melt down on Thursday, during which I decided I needed a day off on Friday to recoup. It was a good decision and I feel much better now. I wasn't just this week, it's been 8 months of "this week" and I am T-I-R-E-D...stress will do that to you! I am all better now!

There are 11 beads left in the glass...I'm anxious to hit single digits. My skin is starting to get red after each treatment and stay red. I don't have a whole lot of feeling under my arm - I bet if I did, this would be a bit ow-wee. I continue to apply the creams that they have given me and hope for the next 11 treatments to go by quickly. I have gotten so relaxed that I actually fall asleep on the table - for a whole 2.5 minutes (120 something blinks of my little friend!) Mary and Joe laugh at me and ask me if I am ready for my power nap! I will miss them...I can't wait to miss them.

That's about it - bathroom is coming along, I will have pictures soon. Paint is done, tile is next. It takes forever because we are doing it ourselves between both of us working, radiation, papers....blah, blah, blah.

See you next weekend!

Is it just me...

2008-04-20T23:23:00.000-04:00

or does this NOT look like a "cancer patient"? I feel so good - I'm pretty amazed at how good I feel and look considering all my body has been through. I can't WAIT to be blonde again - just need a few more weeks to be sure all of the garbage is out is my system. Have a great week everyone - see you Saturday with a catch up!

Spring!

2008-04-19T07:19:00.009-04:00

O.K. - enough of this gloom and doom stuff, sorry about that. Spring has sprung here in NY and it's time to start over! The first sign of spring for me is the subtle scent of earth that the wind picks up as it passes over gardens that are finally clear of snow. I detected it early one morning this week as I was leaving for work. It's time for another season...summer ended with a punch in the gut, I spent the fall trying not to gag, I wasted away the winter hibernating with my bald head, drains and stitches....now it's time to regroup and hit the restart button! What better way to do that then to break out the spring wreath and hang it on the back door....the ultimate pthththththththtt to old man winter!

Radiation is cool - I hit the half way point on Thursday and I told the radiation therapist, Joe (the guy on the team who actually gives me the treatments), to prepare himself for the 'big breakup'. I told him that I had set a date and after May 12th I was not going to be able to see him anymore. While it has been fun, it's time for me to move on - he was heart broken, but accepted what I had to say - - -and then told me I was a nut. I get no respect :) Much like my nurses Carol and Shana, Joe and Mary are amazing, caring people. 18 down, 16 to go and my skin is doing OK - a little red at times but certainly doable.

Last weekend we picked up the toilet and the sink for the bathroom renovation. Here they are in bubble wrap, in the foyer...at least they are not on the front porch next to a refrigerator! We also selected and purchased the floor tile:

This weekend we are ripping the old sink and toilet out, putting down the backerboard and patching/priming the walls.

I have another paper to do this weekend. Last weekend's paper went well, once I got started the words flowed on to the paper. It's good to be back in school again. Oh, and one more 'speaking engagement'. I will be delivering the congratulatory address to the SUNY Orange Med Tech students on May 10th.

Busy, busy, busy! Alive, happy and busy! Oh... and I have hair, apparently it's going to be very curly hair....I look like a poodle!

another version of "the statistics"

2008-04-12T08:43:00.006-04:00

I spoke to the pathologist who read my slides (who also happens to be my Medical Director) and it is her opinion that my situation is stage 2, not stage 3 - which brings with it markedly better statistics pertaining to survival. But you know what?, I'm not going to get wrapped up in survival statistics. The fact of the matter is that we are all born and we are all going to die - someday. I have had cancer and that puts me a different statistical category than some one who has not. I'm going to die someday, but not today and not from this. I have said that from the very beginning and I really feel it in my heart.

Having taken statistics at the undergrad, graduate and now doctoral level - I can tell you that I hate statistics, statistics are stupid and hard to understand and worse yet, if you play with the numbers enough you can get them to tell you whatever you want them to tell you. How silly would it be to let numbers run my life? I am mindful of the situation. I will do all of the prescribed follow up and I'll deal with whatever (if anything) comes next - but right now I have a paper to write this weekend, a class to teach in June, a wedding to dance at in August, reconstruction to plan for the fall, a laboratory to run, and vacations, vacations, vacations to anticipate - I don't have the time to worry about numbers...jeeze...what was I thinking? Sorry if I scared you...but I gotta get this off my chest (HA! - I crack me up).

I'm a little nervous about writing this paper this weekend. I haven't written in a 'scholarly fashion' in a while so I think I forgot how! Probably not, but still, it's like getting back on the horse after being bucked off and landing hard.

Radiation continues to go well; 13 down and 21 more to go. My skin has started to get red in the treatment area (FKA my left breast) so they gave me hydrocotisone cream and that seems to be working. I met a woman at the radiation oncology center who has treatments right after me. She comes in every day with her radiant smile, her mother for support and her 9 month old daughter...and I think I have worries??? Stuff like that makes me realize how insignificant my woes have been. She's a nice woman and we laugh a lot - her daughter has an awesome smile and chubby cheeks - the perfect mood elevator!

So, in spite of this not being a very interesting time in my treatment world, I will continue to blog - probably not as frequently as I had been in the past. I'll do weekly updates for a while until it gets interesting again. Stay with me, keep reading, go back and look at the old stuff - it's pretty good reading!

PS - we got ourselves a toilet and a sink for the bathroom downstairs! Stay tuned for renovation pictures. This is what it looks like now, before anything except the removal of the old tile and trim:

pssstttt..hey, fred (you idiot...) over here....

2008-04-09T22:20:00.004-04:00

Feeling spunky again - I edited the content to keep it PG13, but I am sure you can read behind the sticky note...

double digits, baby!

2008-04-08T21:24:00.002-04:00

Ten treatments done, 24 to go! The hardest part is leaving work at 2:30. I tend to be most productive between 2 pm and 4 pm so leaving at 2:30 is the pits. The treatments continue to be uneventful - ho-hum boring. I asked today why I will be/might be experiencing fatigue. Apparently the radiation causes anemia...great...I just got my hemoglobin back up to 13gm and now it's going to tumble again...oy...Just one more month - hang in there with me.
On a lighter note, I was asked to speak at another cancer society fundraising event. This time in October at a Baskets of Hope event. Is this my next career? lol!

world's ugliest bathroom

2008-04-06T21:58:00.003-04:00

Look no further, the Derings have the worlds ugliest bathroom. Our renovation plans were derailed last summer by my diagnosis - this weekend we got ourselves back on track. We have a plan...and a light fixture - all great rooms start with a great light fixture! We found a sink and toilet on Saturday and we are waiting for the folks from the showroom to call us with a price for the floor models. If figures, they are not selling the one sink/toilet that we found that will fit in the small room any more. Hopefully we will be able to make a good deal on the display units. Next is a search for floor tile...pictures to follow :)
I had a good weekend, but I am tired - it's subtle, but its there.

better day today

2008-04-03T21:21:00.003-04:00

Woke up this morning (which makes any given day a good one) in a much better frame of mind. At least when I get down I don't stay there for long (- I mean really, who wants to be friends with a blithering idiot?). Brian and I have been going for a walk every night after radiation which helps me. It helps me reconnect with him after a long day that ends with radiation, it helps us both get fit and and helps me sleep at night. My head hits that pillow and I know nothing until 6:30am. Busy weekend coming up - papers to write, books to read and laundry to do (yippie, skippie!). I'm good - don't worry...and look at all of these glass beads on the table!

FRUSTRATING day...

2008-04-02T20:35:00.002-04:00

So, I had herceptin today - and the infusion that I thought was going to take 2 hours took 3 and started 2 hours later than I thought it was going to. The moral of the story is that I did not get out of the oncologist's office until 2pm and I had to leave Newburgh at 2:30 to get to Middletown for radiation. I never got to work as I had planned and that just annoyed me to no end. Realistically, I think the next time that I have herceptin and radiation in the same day I'm just not going to plan on making it to work. I hate it when things don't go my way -grrrrrrrr.

I made the mistake today of asking the doctor today what my prognosis is. She has eluded to her hopes for my complete recovery but we have never had the conversation where I ask her a direct question and she gives me a direct answer. Today we did just that and it was a humbling experience (for me).

Theresa says, "So, we never directly talked about this, but my prognosis is good, right?"
Doctor says, "Yes......but..." and at that moment I wished that I had never asked that question - who in their right mind wants to hear about the possibility of dying? Let's be real, I was diagnosed with cancer - people die from cancer - it's a possibility. Once she started talking I realized just how much I was not wanting to know.

In years past, 50% of women diagnosed with stage III herceptin receptive breast cancer were still alive 5 years after diagnosis (sobering). Now that they are using herceptin after surgery before there is any evidence of metastatic disease, 70% of those in that same category (like me) are still alive 5 years after diagnosis (ok - better...isn't there anything in the 99.9% range you have to offer?) Looking at my case and my response to chemo, negative nodes, good margins her gut tells her that I will be on the good outcome side of the statistics (now we are getting a little closer to what I am looking for but I would still like to hear a definitive, "you will live! final answer!").

That was the best answer she could give me...and I guess I'll have to go with it. Now the question is, what do I do with it? No one wants to think about dying. I never thought that I would be sitting here at the ripe old age of 46, wondering if I was going to be here in 5 years. I know the choice is mine; I can either live in fear or live in hope. Once I get past being scared tonight I know that I will live in hope - that's just my way. I do honestly feel hopeful; I don't have any deep dread, my gut is telling me it will all be OK and I'll live to be an old woman (hopefully not a cranky one...) But for tonight, I'm just scared of those damn percentages.

Thanks for letting me rant. I ain't all sunshine and roses in my head all of the time. I promised from the beginning of this blog that I was going to be honest - so there you have it. Tonight I am a blithering idiot...

my friend, the little red light

2008-04-01T20:05:00.003-04:00

There isn't much to do when laying under the arm of a linear accelerator. I have counted the ceiling tiles in the room, counted the leaves in the pattern of the wall border, said the Our Father a few times, started my Christmas list in my head, planned my outfit for work the next day...I'm running out of things to do as I lay there with my left arm over my head and my head cranked to the right in the most unnatural pose you could imagine. "Just hold still and breathe normally". You have GOT to be kidding me. I gave up any hope of normal months ago...

Today I found a small blinking red light on the wall. It is conveniently located just within my sight with my head rotated off of my shoulders, to the right. It glows a steady green and then, once the treatment begins, it blinks red. It's a happy, chipper sort of blink....blink,blink, blink. 44 blinks to the chest wall, 46 blinks to the armpit and 37 blinks to the neck. I checked with Joe (one of my new BFF's at the radiation oncology center) and he confirmed that the light blinks red when the radiation is being given. Lucky Joe gets to leave the room while it's still green, me??? I get to stay and count the flippin' BLINKS. I'll have to count again tomorrow it see if I count the same number of blinks (44,46,37). I need to get a life....

I think they should mount a TV in the ceiling so we could at least catch up on the weather channel while we are laying there with nothing better to do. Sometimes the music is good - even if it isn't, I'm not in there long enough to get upset about it. Yesterday was the Eagles, which was cool. I am finding myself bonding with the receptionist (who is very nice) and tells me when to get changed and go to the 'green room' and wait...I must think about sending them a fruit basket when I am all done.

5 down, 29 more to go....

Cruise in Review - the last installment

2008-03-30T17:01:00.005-04:00

Overall - a great time was had by all. As is the case when you throw a group of 12 friends who have never lived together for a week, you expect "differences". I'm happy to report that there were no deal breaking differences and we all ended the cruise as friends - if not better friends! So much so, that we are all planning a vacation to Aruba in 2009. They will be coming to our home base and we will be the vacation directors for the week - I am looking forward to showing them Aruba, our way!

The final link is a collection of pictures taken at dinner and during the pre-dinner cocktail gathering that we had every night. We got markedly more 'spunky' as the week went on - I guess we all got more comfortable.

http://picasaweb.google.com/tdering0/VisionOfTheSeasMarch2008

plop, plop

2008-03-29T21:28:00.003-04:00

Just so you know that I still have a sense of humor about this whole thing...so here I am at the radiation oncology center on Tuesday for my block check. While I thought that I was going to be fine, I must admit that once I got there, I was a bit nervous - OK, I was scared...it's a scary thing....anyway...
Let me set the stage by saying that I was running late for work Tuesday morning and took a short cut while getting dressed. Instead of taking the time to insert the silicone prosthetics into the bra correctly (which is along the lines of shoving 10 pounds of stuff into a 5 pound sack), I just stuffed my bra the old fashioned way - after it was on, I just stuffed the prosthetics in place. No big deal, they stayed put all day....until I got to the radiation oncology center.
Fast forward to my appointment; Mary is very nice, shows me the waiting room, shows me the treatment room, explains every detail and introduces me to the guys who will be my "team" of therapists. Then she shows me the changing room, where I am to remove everything from the waist up and put on a open-in-back type of gown. She leaves me to change and promises that she will be waiting right outside the door.
I take a deep breath - no turning back now -and I take off my sweater. Then I make the fatal mistake - I unhook my bra and my boobs hit the floor - PLOP - PLOP....and I started to laugh....hysterically...tears....running nose...the whole 9. You can't make this stuff up. You have to understand the silicone prosthetics are like bags of very thick and heavy jello. So heavy that by the end of the day I can't wait to unstrap them because they weigh me down. You can only imagine the sound they made when they hit the floor. I just stood there, staring down at my boobs on the floor and laughed my butt off. Ah, that felt good. I'm OK now, lets get on with this bull crap so I can get on with me life. I'll never forget the sight of my bought and paid for fake boobs laying at my feet...

Cruise in Review - Puerto Vallarta

2008-03-29T11:35:00.004-04:00

Laurie, Joe and I got up and out at the butt crack of dawn to swim with the dolphins. What an experience THAT was. They are just amazing creatures. To be in the water touching them and playing with them was awesome:

While the three of us were swimming, Brian was swinging through the trees. He did a forest canopy tour, during which he was placed in a harness and attached to a zip line and went zipping from tree to tree...sometimes as high as 90 feet off of the forest floor. I wish I had the strength in my arm to do it with him - it sounded like fun. There were no pictures allowed, but he did order the DVD so we'll be getting those memories in the mail soon!

After the morning excursion, Laurie and I did some shopping at the flea market close to the ship and then we stopped for something to eat...and drink. The margaritas that we ordered were too strong for Laurie. Rather than send it back I made the ultimate sacrifice and drank both of them...this is the reason that there are not many pictures of Puerto Vallarta. What happens in Puerto Vallarta, stays in Puerto Vallarta... :)

http://picasaweb.google.com/tdering0/PuertoVallarta

Cruise in Review - Mazatlan

2008-03-28T19:57:00.006-04:00

We did not have anything planned in Mazatlan - just got off the ship with our friends and went with the flow, so to speak. We all agreed that the best way to see the sights was to hop on a city tour bus. The bus took us around the old city of Mazatlan and ended up in the "Golden Zone" - aka tourist area. Four hours and an awesome tour guide for $25 each was a great deal! A good time was had by all:

Scenic vistas....
Interesting architecture...

Cathedrals...

and shopping....

A great day, followed by a great evening with friends. My picture taking is slowing down - only 81 in this album! http://picasaweb.google.com/tdering0/Mazatlan

Cruise in Review - Cabo San Lucas

2008-03-27T19:10:00.004-04:00

We dropped anchor just off the coast of Cabo and tendered into port. Cabo seems to be experiencing a building craze as is evidenced in the pictures.

We walked around the dock area for a while and then Laurie and I left the men behind and went on a boat tour around los archos, the rock formation at the tip of the peninsula.

The best part of the excursion (besides the margaritas and the company) were the whales. We saw several spouts, backs and tails filppin' out of the water.

Viewer beware: I went crazy with pictures in Cabo - trying out my new lenses. There are 139 pictures in the album - enjoy!

http://picasaweb.google.com/tdering0/Cabo

Cruise in Review - Los Angeles

2008-03-26T19:30:00.006-04:00

We left Sunday morning from LA and sailed south for a day toward the first port, Cabo San Lucas. Sailing the Pacific was a bit of a rougher ride than the Caribbean/Gulf of Mexico. The ship was a rockin'! Not too bad, no one in our group got sick. Speaking of our group, there were 5 couples, 6 including the couple that we saw basically at dinner - and we had a ball! Laurie and Joe had a suite up on the 8th deck so we started the week there with a champagne toast and a group photo (right after the muster drill):

click on this link for more pictures around Los Angeles:
http://picasaweb.google.com/tdering0/LosAngeles

1 down, 33 to go

2008-03-26T19:26:00.001-04:00

Not bad, or at least not as bad as I worked myself up thinking it was going to be. A restless night last night in anticipation of today's first treatment left me with tears just below the surface all day (Judy noticed...that's what friends are for). A call to my sister on the drive to the radiation oncology center talked me down from the ledge of being unreasonable and wanting to just go home (thanks, Barbara...that's what sisters are for). Really, I am a wuss - I was in and out in less than 15 minutes and actually on the table receiving treatment for all of 2.5 minutes. It took me longer to change into a gown than to be 'irradiated'. No pain, nothing - it was like getting a long chest x-ray, except I was laying flat instead of standing.
School started again for me last night so I am off to start reading a mountain of books. It's nice to be back to school again...

normal??? what's that???

2008-03-25T19:38:00.004-04:00

OK - so here I am on this beautiful cruise ship, feeling the best that I have felt in months; laughing, singing (yes, singing....I DID not do Karaoke, I just sang along from my seat...), drinking my age in frozen adult beverages, holding hands with my honey, sharing a joke and a conversation with friends...and I spot a pretty lady with short grey hair and I wonder to myself, "Is she me? Is she a survivor? Should I run up to her and introduce myself???" Don't worry, I didn't...but I sure thought about it. Then I started to notice a lot of women with short grey hair and I thought, "Wow, this must be a breast cancer survivors cruise! Had I known, I would have worn every bit of pink ribbon paraphernalia that I have!". Then it occurred to me that it was more likely that they were just normal women with short grey hair...nothing more. So, has my perception of 'normal' changed forever? I think so....weird, huh?

I have been so 'out there' and up front about my cancer. I have spent the last 7 months being sure that everyone in my world knew what was going on. I realize now that by being so upfront I created a safe place for myself. It was very easy to be brave in a place where even strangers that I just met knew my name and my situation.

This cruise was the first time that I have stepped out into the unknown without the security of a bald head or a pink ribbon. If you were to meet me today, for the first time, I bet you would not know I was a breast cancer survivor. I have hair (albeit short and grey), eyebrows and lashes of my very own (yay!) and boobs (OK...fake, but they are bought and paid for!). I have nothing special to make me look any different than those other women that I was on vacation with.

It's scary...trying to figure out what the new normal is. I'm feeling so great and everyone keeps telling me how good it is that I am getting back to normal. The truth is, I don't think I will every be back there again. My challenge is to find a new normal. It's exciting, it's scary but mostly I am grateful for the opportunity.

So, I start radiation tomorrow. Every day at 3:20pm, M-F for 34 treatments. I put 34 glass beads in a champagne glass. After every treatment I will take one bead out. When the glass is empty I will fill it with champagne and toast the new normal...it's seems like a good place to start.

home again, home again....

2008-03-24T20:32:00.002-04:00

and no one got arrested in Mexico! *whew*!!!! We had a FABULOUS vacation - weather, food, adult beverages and company - all good! Of course, we are home and our luggage is still somewhere in Atlanta...but they have located it and will deliver it to the house, hopefully tomorrow. My makeup is in that luggage, but at least I have eyebrows of my own now...or I'd be REALLY upset.
I'll catch you all up on our adventure during the week - right now I have to find out what time it really is...

Relay kickoff speech

2008-03-14T21:37:00.001-04:00

click on the link below to get to the text...

http://www.briandering.com/ACS-speech.pdf

See you all in a week! - massive Mexico photos to follow!

priceless...

2008-03-13T20:59:00.005-04:00

"But the one item I tried to get, but failed was Dead Fred Vintners wine...only 93 cases were made in 2004" -you might remember this comment posted by Russ during the 'Dead fred' series of blog entries a week or so ago. Well, "I'm on a mission!" seems to be Russ' motto and today he brought me this beauty...

The wine was accompanied by a note that said, in part:

"Hey Russ, I enjoyed reading Theresa's blog...

The Cabernet Vineyard that we source our Cabernet grapes from is called Dead Fred. The owners David and Lisa are great people. They had a cat (Fred) who was a black cat with green eyes, and lived a very happy long life through all of their homes throughout the bay area (California). When they bought their property in Napa, and had a house built and the vineyard planted, Fred was very happy. He lived to be a very old age, and when he did pass, they buried him under the Blue Oak trees that over look the vineyard...

Our first vintage of Dead Fred was 2004. We made 94 cases (authors note: - aha! we thought it was 93...they must have kept one case for themselves!)...

Our second vintage 2005 was lost in a winery mishap and our third vintage 2006 will be bottled in June this year. This wine, Dead Fred Cabernet, has an incredible following. Not a day passes that I don't get a request for this wine. We receive many stories about pets, cats, etc. We would like to send this wine to Theresa. I think she'll love the bottle and (if she drinks) she should celebrate by sharing it with friends someday....

Thank you for sharing her story..."

Priceless... these people sent me a bottle of their precious private stock!...and they don't even KNOW me....and how priceless is Russ for taking on such a mission?

Get to know Selene Wines at www.selenewines.com or blog.selenewines.com

I am so loved :)

Relay for Life Kickoff

2008-03-12T21:56:00.002-04:00

Last night was the kick off dinner for the 2008 Newburgh Relay for Life. The relay is a fund raising and cancer awareness event that I have participated in for the last 10 years. It's a wonderfully emotional team event that celebrates the life of cancer survivors and remembers those who have been overcome by the disease. Knowing what I have experienced since August, you can only imagine how much the 2008 Relay means to me. The Relay was important to me before, it's REALLY important to me now.

A few months ago I was asked to speak at the kick off dinner. I hesitated at first, probably because I was bald and felt like crap at the time. I finally agreed and I have been working on my speech every since I said yes. So I spoke at the dinner last night and it was great! It felt like a purging of my soul. The audience laughed, cried and applauded - I even got a standing ovation (my first! I was honored!) The Lisa's were there with Judy, Linda, Mom and of course Brian - I felt so supported and I know that I was so loved. As soon as I can figure out how to do it, I am going to post a link to the printed version of the speech so you can read it if you would like.

It was a great night!

my life is like the movies...

2008-03-09T08:37:00.001-04:00

My brother Bill turned me on to Netflix during my time at home after surgery. It’s pretty cool; you make a list of the movies that you want to see and they send them to your mailbox. Return a movie; get the next one – pretty cool. Anyway, one of the movies that we saw recently was Evan Almighty. It was good – even funnier than Bruce Almighty, I thought. At one point God was talking to Evan and they were talking about prayers and how prayers were answered. Evan basically was asking how come he did not get specifically what he prayed for. The God character explained that when people pray for peace in their hearts God doesn’t wave a magic wand and say “(poof), be peaceful.” Instead He gives them the opportunity to be peaceful in a situation – He gives the opportunity to exercise free will….interesting….You always hear of people, myself included, praying for something; a lottery win, a passing grade on a test, a cure. The answer to those prayers is opportunity to pursue those things that you want. I want a cure and I have been given the opportunity to grab this thing by the horns and direct my care, pick my doctors, be involved in my care, and expect with confidence that I will be successful in my quest. I have been given the opportunity to engage my enemy in battle.

I saw another movie Friday night on LMN (the chick flick station!) called “I Had a Mastectomy!!!!” It was a true story about a woman with stage 1 DCIS who had a mastectomy, implant reconstruction and no need for chemo or radiation (lucky girl!). Through the movie she struggles with the thought of being ‘cancer girl’ and fights her way back to being normal both emotionally and physically. While it was a bit overacted for my liking, it did make some excellent points. The lead said at the end that cancer changed her – and she knew that ‘getting back to normal’ was never going to happen – normal had changed forever. She talked about fear of reoccurrence and of an early death. Then she said that made the choice not to let fear take over – that she was not going to waste one precious moment of her time (whatever that time was going to be; months, years or decades) being fearful.

I think that is a great philosophy for life with or without cancer – do not live in fear and always engage your enemies. The reality is that no one knows how much time we have here; accidents happen, cancer happens, shit happens. Face each day with joy and anticipation –sweet things happen when we least expect it! Be brave, but scream and cry if you have to – it’s O.K. Then build a bridge and get over it. Smile always, ask for help when you need it, be thankful for what you have and stop wasting energy wanting what you can’t have. Reach out and help someone else, chances are they will return the favor 10 fold.

While I wish I had not had cancer, I can appreciate what I learned about myself through this whole thing. I think I always had these thoughts inside, I don’t think that the cancer inspired a “new me” – I think it just presented me with a lot of down time to think things through. I am not crazy enough the think that God gave me this disease to teach me a lesson but I do think that He gave me the free will to make a choices relative to how I am handling this process.

Word got back to me that one of my chemotherapy companions is not doing well. I hear that he has run out of treatment options and life will likely soon be ending. Oh anonymous companion, I keep you in my thoughts. I hope that wherever you travel to, they give you a bell to ring and control of the remote – I know that will make you happy. I pray that you have the opportunity to be peaceful and happy.

got a sense of humor?

2008-03-08T21:20:00.003-05:00

The irony and humor in having breast cancer does not escape me...ever...I find my self saying things like "I have to get something off my chest." and then chuckling. I find the most interesting uses for the gap between the skin of my chest (where my breasts used to be) and the back side of the prosthetics...today it held my cell phone while I was shopping, yesterday I held on to a bran flake from breakfast, apparently I was saving it for later...but getting this in the mail made me laugh out loud.

I realize that I am just on a March list to be sent a reminder card but really, haven't they seen enough of me since August???? I thought maybe I would make an appointment and show up, breastless, just to make them laugh...hey, I follow drections well! But seriously, do heed the words of advice and get a mammogram!

Hope

2008-03-08T08:43:00.003-05:00

I found this definition in a book titled Any Day With Hair is a Good Hair Day by Michelle Rapkin.

Hope - To expect with confidence. To remember that every cancer at every stage has been survived by someone. An essential for every cancer patient.

I don't think I ever told you my stage. I have (or should I say HAD) stage 3 breast cancer; technically it's pT3, pN0, M0 - which means the tumor/area of invasive disease was 8cm (about 3 1/2 inches in diameter), the nodes were negative and the search for metastases was negative. I have clear surgical margins; that, fact plus the fact that the nodes were negative and the metastatic work up was negative leads me to expect with confidence that I am and will remain cancer free. The radiation that is coming, the continued herceptin and the tamoxifin are all insurance policies against reoccurrance. I expect with confidence that they will be successful.

I'm a survivor....

2008-03-04T20:59:00.003-05:00

and I have this beautiful bracelet to prove it to the world! Thanks L.I. Lisa! I love you!

Back to work Monday

2008-03-03T18:40:00.005-05:00

What a great day! It was so nice to get back to work and feel productive again. While 2.5 weeks may not seem like a lot of recuperative time, the surgery was not that bad, really. The worst/painful part was the first 3-4 days after, then I was just tired and finally bored....time to get back to work. I have almost full mobility in my arms although my left is still a little stiff especially when lifted over my head. By the end of the day today I was tired, but it was a good kind of tired (not a yucky chemo kind of tired).

I came in this morning to find my office door decorated in pink paper and balloons and a vase of pink roses on my desk - how lovely!

I think I was missed....I sure did miss everyone! It feels great to be back in the game again. Judy and Linda did a great job while I was out. It was wonderful knowing that my 'queendom' was in good hands :)

Well, I have a to-do list a mile long that I need to get through before vacation and radiation so please forgive if posts are not daily for the next few weeks. Fear not, the blog isn't over yet! I have miles to go before I finish treatment. Who knows what this blog will become once the pain is miles behind me and the fear becomes that docile beast that I keep hearing about...I can't wait to get to that point to figure it all out.

terror in operation room

2008-03-01T23:45:00.002-05:00

Looking back over the blog entries since surgery I realized that I never told you about my terror in the operating room...it was a doozie....

Brian and I drove an hour plus through a snow storm that morning to get to the hospital. Slow and steady wins the race and we got there without incident. The 2 hours or so that followed were filled with registration, getting in my 'designer' hospital gown, getting visits from some of my hospital friends and medical team - all fairly routine stuff. I was pretty calm the whole time. For some reason, Brian and I found ourselves in the surgical waiting area watching a Planet of the Apes movie - a bit surreal...anyway...

My nurse comes in around 8:30 to start my IV (I'm scheduled for surgery at 8:50). She is a woman that I have know for a while - we have been working together for 22 years. She started my IV and talked to me for the next 20 minutes or so, mostly about nothing and primarily to keep me busy. She was with me right into the OR and she was with me through the surgery.

If you have never had surgery before, let me tell you - the OR is a very busy place. They wheeled me into the OR and I had to scoot myself from my bed onto the operating table (which is about 18 inches wide - no kidding!) As soon as my butt hit that table, things started happening; two people (behind masks) introduced themselves to me. One person takes my left arm and starts fiddling with it, another takes my right arm and starts fiddling with it, the music is loud, the room is FREEZING, the nurse (my friend) straps me to the OR table with a black seat belt type of thing across my legs and I freaked out. I started to cry hysterically and almost jumped off of the table and ran. He she not had me locked in with that damn belt I would have been off of the table and out of the door. I think I actually said something like. "I'm not ready!", or "I don't want this!" If I didn't say it out loud, I was certainly SCREAMING it inside my head. In that moment, I was terrified - I have never felt like that before in my life.

My nurse Diane, seeing my distress, came around to my head and got right down into my ear. She asked me quietly if I would like her to say a prayer with me, I said yes. I remember her asking God to protect me and to guide the surgeons hands and I remember saying amen at the end with her...and then I woke up in recovery...and I didn't wake up crying. In fact, I woke up very calm and peaceful.

So hopefully, I did not make too much of an ass of myself. Based on Diane's immediate reaction to my distress, I have to think this happens to people often....or at least I hope they are all being gentle when they reminisce about the bald chick that went bonkers in the OR...(thanks Diane, I'll never forget your kindness that day)

ummm....Russ?????

2008-02-29T21:41:00.004-05:00

This isn't going to become a habit is it? I opened the mailbox today and found this:

I laughed out loud, right in the driveway! Knowing Russ on a mission (and boy, do I know Russ on a mission!) he has been scouring the internet for dead fred stuff since I coined the phrase a few days ago. A phone call tonight confirmed my suspicions. Thanks Russ, you make me laugh until it hurts (did Brian teach you how to do that??). I can't wait to put this on my desk at work.

got staples?

2008-02-28T18:53:00.002-05:00

no???? you don't????? Guess what????? ME NEITHER!!!!! The surgeon took the 38 staples out today (I know, I thought I had 43, I miscounted....) and it didn't hurt one bit. It's one of the benefits of being numb I suppose. I have to stayed wrapped for another week or so to encourage fluid absorption. Overall Dr. R was quite pleased with my recovery. I got a huge hug from him and a sincere wish for a long and happy life and a release from his care. I can't tell you how happy I am that I decided to stay local for care. I can't imagine that I would be getting such hugs anywhere else.
So...back to work on Monday. Lots to do before vacation in two weeks. I'm looking forward to a week of deck chairs and boat drinks....ah, the life :)

got friends?

2008-02-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

I am truly blessed. Not only do I have a wonderful family, I have wonderful friends. They have stood by me through this whole journey; lending support, preparing food, making me quilts, sending me flowers and cards, walking in breast cancer walks, competing in IronMan events (crazy!), helping me shop for eyebrows and kissing my big bald head....and now this. I got this in the mail today from our dear friend Russ. I can only imagine how long he searched eBay for this collectible and how excited he was when he found it. Some people have wondered how I have been able to handle this with my sense of humor intact...this is how. With a little help from my friends....thanks Russ, I love it!

Calgon...take me away.....

2008-02-25T20:28:00.003-05:00

...or better yet, come and keep me company. I'm getting the 'house crazies'. I actually went to Wal-Mart today to buy belts for the vacuum cleaner. I also stopped at OCCC to see my buddies there. It was nice to see Kirsten, Rosa, Arlene and Frank. I'm looking forward to getting back to teaching this summer. What a difference a year makes...I first found fred just after my summer teaching session ended. Who woulda thunk?????

I'm feeling great - I drove for the first time Saturday...and again on Sunday...and again today :) I can lift my right arm completely over my head and I'm 45 degrees away from doing the same with my left. I can't wait to get these staples out and get back to work on Monday. Although I do get tired in the afternoon, I perk back up after a 10 minute siesta. I wonder if my boss will mind if I just put my head on my desk for a few minutes in the afternoon??? I'm just taking Tylenol occasionally for the pain, no more narcotics. Plus, I can sleep on my side now which is a HUGE deal.

Lucia and Nancy were over on Sunday and Lucia cooked up a storm for us; chicken marsala, ham and sweet potatoes, chicken parm... Nancy brought us a yummy cake - our freezer and our bellies are full. JoAnn and Robert stopped to see us on Saturday but I was out, 4 wheelin' and missed them...OK, I was just driving, not actually 4 wheelin'...actually I was at David's Bridal with Kerri and her girls taking pictures while they picked out brides maids dresses. This is the style, the color will be lilac :)

Dead fred

2008-02-22T17:56:00.001-05:00

Judy made a wonderful binder for me when I was first diagnosed back in August. She filled the binder with tabs so that could organize my results and paper to write down questions. Best of all, she put some 'supportive' stuff in there too; pictutes of me and my college roomates, information about my type of cancer, inspirational poems and this....her vision of fred (the green monster) and the arsonal that it would take to kill him (the helicopters, guns and ammo that surround him). I was cleaning out the book yesterday and I thought that the vision of fred needed some updating in light of my recent pathology report. I added the circle with the line through it, the from and to dates and the 'RIP sucka!' - lol - it felt GOOD. I do have a copy of the path report and I have read it a million times - it's too good to be true. The tumors were actually destroyed by the chemo - simply amazing.

Brian and I met my radiation oncologist today to plan the radiation treatments - 34 in all - starting after the cruise. I was very impressed with Dr. Eanelli - very nice and personable. He seemed to care very much about me and about us and that works for me. He said that the reason for the radiation was the size of the tumor and the fact that my cancer is Her/2neu positive - a mark of agressive disease. His job is going to be to "sterilize" the chest wall and my lower neck - another insurance policy against the beast coming back. He was also pleased with the pathology report, I think he actually referred to it as being "awesome". So, I will endure a few more weeks of fatigue and a mild sunburn on my chest. He said the same as the other docs, the worst is over - get through radiation and get on with my life. I'm all about that...but right now I have to get Brian and I ready for this cruise....

all toasty

2008-02-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

me and my blankie...and my remote....and my lap top....it's all good. I got the drains taken out today. That was interesting....ever wonder how drains come out????? Through the tiny hole that they go in through - ouch....I am bound with an ace bandage to keep the swelling down. Staples come out next week and I'll be back to work before you know it. Oh yeah.....and check out that hair!!!! I can almost braid it - lol!

how nice!

2008-02-21T19:09:00.001-05:00

How nice of God to arrange for a lunar eclipse last night, in celebration of my 1 week anniversary! lol. It would have been nice if He had arranged for it to be a bit warmer, 14 degrees was cold!

A day full of good news...

2008-02-20T16:25:00.002-05:00

Are you ready?...Can you stand it?...Are you biting your nails in anticipation?...
The pathology report is back - 20 nodes taken.....ALL NEGATIVE!!!!!!! (apparently chanting works!)
But wait, there's more...tumors?...GONE...margins?...CLEAR...prognosis?....EXCELLENT

There is a whole lot of happiness in our house tonight! The report I got was verbal - I'll dissect and report in greater detail once I have it in my hands - hopefully tomorrow...it is all wonderful news!

A day full of pretty things...

2008-02-19T23:19:00.007-05:00

First a knock at the front door brought these:

Thanks Chris - the picture does not do them justice, they are just SO pretty.!!!!!

Then a knock at the back door (and the UPS man) brought a box. I never looked at who it
was from, I just assumend it was some mastectomy stuff I had ordered a few days ago. About an hour later, Brian looks at the box and says "Robin...". "ROBIN!!!!!! Tex??????" I shout, and immediately tear into the tape. As soon as I opened the box and placed my hand on the fabric, I started to cry. I knew what it was. Brian is now totally confused and I struggled to say through the sobs, "Robin...is...a....quilter!". He still doesn't quite understand so I took it out of the box and unfurled the contents....then he started to cry.

Robin is a friend from University of Phoenix. I have only met her once in person but we have been working together long distance over the internet in online classrooms since I started the doctoral journey. When I met her last April in Virginia, I knew I had made a friend for life.
She made this quilt for me.

It is so beautiful. As soon as I took it out of the box I wrapped myself up in it. I'm going out this weekend to buy a quilt rack so I can display it in the livingroom. It's too beautiful to put it in a bedroom - or on a bed where the cats will lay on it.

The pictures don't do this justice either...can you see the detail? She is so talented. I am so touched that she made this for me.

Today was a perfect day!

Happy Monday -

2008-02-18T10:48:00.002-05:00

We had a good weekend. I went to church and then out for breakfast with my brother and Mom yesterday, came home and took a nap - quite the life! I'm feeling good; the drains are doing their thing. I can't wait to have them taken out on Thursday - they really limit my mobility and they ITCH like the dickens where they enter the skin. The incisions burn a bit, especially if I have been sitting in one position for a while and then shift around - but all-in-all, it could be a lot worse. Once I get the OK to take a shower, I think I am going to stand under the running water for a few hours...I never realized how precious showers were to me until I was told I could not take one.
Brian and I are going to head out to do some grocery shopping today (any excuse for me to get out and into the fresh air). I think I am going to try to log on and get some work done this afternoon. I have a hard time being idle...I get bored easily...OK...maybe I should just buckle down and write chapter 2...that might be the better plan.

love and marriage

2008-02-17T00:41:00.000-05:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Brian (ya think?) Loving him, appreciating him, being the ying to his yang…blah, blah, blah but it really struck me yesterday (during the whole hair washing thing) how much I not only appreciate him and love him, but also need him and admire him. As I was standing there with these horrific scars across my body and hardly any hair on my head I thought to myself, “This is NOT what this poor guy signed up for!” Thirteen years ago we said “I do” to the fairly tale. We said yes to the white dress and the flowers, to the party and the cake, to the Mikasa and the stemware…not to chemo and cancer and disfiguring procedures. I realize that we both promised “in sickness and in health” as part of the pact, but if you think about the whole day…it was a mere 5 words spoken in 24 hours. I don’t think either one of us thought it would come to this.
It’s no secret that we have had rough moments through the years – who doesn’t, I guess. The good moments have overwhelmingly exceeded the rough ones. This cancer has been the truest test of our love so far. When I say that he has been my rock and my salvation through this, I am not kidding. I’m not saying it because it’s expected…I’m saying it because it is so true. He is such a man. He is so brave and so strong and he makes me laugh when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.
I am not advocating that everyone go though something like this to appreciate true love…I would not wish this on anyone. I know that I have thanked Brian in this forum before…but this is more than a thank you. This is an expression that goes deeper than words. I still don’t have the words to say it. I am woefully inadequate in that department sometimes…I love you, Brian…thank you….I am so glad that you are here with me in this life. I love our life and I love you.

oh, what a night...

2008-02-16T15:04:00.003-05:00

It's blissful to be home....I managed to make it up the stairs last night (quite easily, in fact) and got myself into our bed. After a brief re-arranging of pillows to get my arms comfortably elevated, Brian covered me up and I immediately fell asleep....and woke up in the same position 9.5 hours later. I was going to sleep downstairs, but our bed was calling to me. I'm glad I tried and even more glad that it was successful. Regular tylenol has been managing the pain and I took tylenol with codeine last night just to be sure I was covered for the night.
We've been spending the day trying to find our groove; how to get washed up, how to get dressed and how to wash my hair. The hair washing was hysterical; I had my head over the sink, drains dangling down and Brian was washing my hair - talking like a sterotypical non-english speaking hair dresser in a cheap salon (bad accent and all...). The more he "acted" the harder I laughed. The harder I laughed, the more my dangling drains bounced around. The more they bounced, the harder I laughed. I guess you had to be there, but let me tell you - it was funny. I'm still chuckling!
My brother Bill and Mom were just her for a quick visit, I'll see them again tomorrow. Right now I am off for a nap. Rest assured, I'm home and all is well :)

a dozen perfect roses from a perfect stranger...

2008-02-15T13:57:00.003-05:00

Hi Everyone!!!!!!!
It's good to be back in the land of the living. My hospital stay was (thankfully) uneventful - we got home around 12:30 today. Brian is currently outside, trying to chop us out of the ice. I'm a little sore at the incision sites, but otherwise great. I spoke to the surgeon again this morning. Being in less of a fog than yesterday, I was better able to understand and retain information this time around. He said that the surgery that he did was basically an anatomical breast removal. There were no tumors to remove, just breast tissue. He removed all of the breast tissue that he could see on both sides. He also removed the tissue under my left arm where the level 1 and 2 lymphnodes should be. It won't be until we get the pathology report back that we will know how many lymph nodes he took and the status of those nodes (pos or neg). Normal lymph nodes are very small and are not easy to see macroscopically. It takes the dissection of the tissue in the pathology lab to find the nodes and then they can be examined microscopically to determine if there are cancer cells present. So we wait....but the good news is that he said that everything looked good (as in no enlarged nodes) from what he could see. I see him on Thursday so he can take the drains out - hopefully we'll be able to discuss the report at that time. The bottom line is that node positive or negative, we know that the chemo worked because the tumor shrank to the point where it was no longer 'feelable' - we know the chemo killed fred and derf. I'm greedy - just one more affirmation of the death of the boys would make my day. I would like them to be super-dead!

So, are you wondering about the title of this post? When I got home today, there were a dozen roses and a teddy bear sitting at our back door. They are from a woman who is technically a stranger to me. If I was standing next to her in Walmart, I would never know it. She is the wife-of-a-co-worker-of-a-friend. Although she told me once where she lives, I can't remember. All I know is that she is an angel, a breast cancer survivor, and she tells a story so similar to mine that it is chilling. I was connected via e-mail to Diana by my friend Chris. Diana has been what I consider to be my 'cancer coach' - she told me things that no books shared with me. She gave me hints and tips and tricks and support...and today she sent me a dozen red roses because she knew what they would mean to me, on this my 2nd day of being cancer free (2nd day cancer free - how cool is that????). She told me that I would experience miracles along this journey - and I have, I have experienced Diana. Thank you, my friend. And thank you to all of my other friends, angels and miracles...I love you all.

It is so good to be home....it's time for a nap :)

Theresa is good!

2008-02-13T19:23:00.003-05:00

Hi Folks,

Brian here.

I just wanted to make a quick post to let you know that Theresa did well in surgery this morning. The Surgeon said: "everything went as expected". Theresa will be in the hospital at least overnight, perhaps till Friday afternoon. We just have to see how things go. We will also be waiting on the pathology report to see if the lymph nodes were negative.

I have to give a special Thank You to Judy, Melissa, Renee, Jo Anne and Nelson for taking time to visit me in the waiting room and for making things 'move along'. ;) I also want to thank Theresa's mom and Theresa's sister, Barbara, for keeping me company. And I would also like to thank all of the folks who read this blog and either post or email Theresa. It really means a great deal to her and I thank you all. :-)

What did I ever do to the weather man??......

2008-02-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

to make him so mad that he had to dish up this crappy forecast?? Snow tonight, ice by day break and a 'treacherous' morning commute...great. The surgery has been pushed back to 8:50 (for those who thought, as I did, that I was the 7:30 case) and I just got a call from the hospital that I need to be there by 6:30...I'll probably be the only one in the building....perhaps I can register myself...start my own IV...I could do it, you know....I have the computer access and the clinical skills...lol!
Brian and I just braved the storm to go out for a nice dinner that I will top off with a glass of wine and a dish of ice cream before going to bed. I just have to get my overnight bag together tonight and get some rest, that's my chore list for this evening.
It was tough saying goodbye at work today...but I assured them all that I would be back in a few weeks. I'm not done torturing my staff just yet :) It'll take a better adversary than fred/derf to keep me from my appointed duties :) I'm leaving the lab in Linda's and Judy's capable hands. It's a great feeling.
Brian will be logging on tomorrow night to post a brief "she's ok" message. I probably won't know anything about the pathology/lymph nodes for a few days. As soon as I know, you'll know. I'm in good hands; God's and the surgeons. Don't worry. I'll be back in a few days.
Love you all,
T

tap, tap, tap (t-2 days and counting)

2008-02-11T22:28:00.000-05:00

That's the sound that my foot makes on the floor as I wait, quite impatiently, for surgery. Jeeze, who ever thought time would pass so slowly? Don't the minutes and hours know that I have a life that needs getting back to?????? I have eyebrows (or I will, any day now!) that need to be plucked, hair that needs to grow and be dyed and miles to go before I sleep. Come on Wednesday! Everyone say it with me, "We want node negative, we want node negative, we want node negative!" If not all, at least most nodes negative would make me very happy.
I'm still not nervous, in fact I'm probably one of the happiest pre-surgical people you have ever met. I'm just SO ready to move on. I said it today to Brian - I've had breast cancer for 6 months now and I am ready to be finished! Plus, there is the la-la land caused by the medicine in the pain pump to look forward to....lol. I think I need to find a hobby.......

do me a favor...

2008-02-09T20:18:00.000-05:00

Please click on this link

http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=2

every day. Once you get to the site, click on the big pink rectangle to help fund mammograms for women who cannot afford to pay for them. I have added this site to my favorites and visit/click every morning. There is also some pretty cool 'pink ribbon' stuff on the site for purchase and a portion of the sale goes to fund mammograms as well. Clicking every day is simple, free and can make a difference to a woman who might be putting off getting a mammogram because of financial constraints. Thanks!

knock, knock

2008-02-07T20:07:00.000-05:00

who's there???????....hello....HELLO!!!!!!!!! Is anybody out there???? Where did you all go??? lol! Are you all hibernating with me??? I'm here, kinda wishing that the surgery was tomorrow instead of next week. The waiting is the worst part - let's just do it. Although I should be happy that it is scheduled for next week...since my surgeon is on vacation this week. At least he'll be well rested...
I'm going out to dinner with friends tomorrow night and finishing up at home over the weekend. Nothing left to do but wait, I guess :)